HOLY CATS!



Look who's going to be IRON MAN?????


Didn't see that one coming.....didja?

Okay so Lorenzo Lamas didn't get the part, we were all for it but .....let's face it America is still not ready for Snake Eater's big come back. If you'll recall from the previous posts that were never written our back up plan was one of the Baldwins. Not Alec but Billy or Danny or Ray, whichever they all look alike except for the fat one . The choice for a Baldwin was easy cause out of the four of them one had to have battled the demons of alcohol abuse and sucked at what they did for a period in time. I mean look at Ted Baldwin, he was never good in anything. Plus all Baldwins have the eyes of a billionaire industrialist that have designs on metal boots with rocket thrusters on them to propell them to the sky. Well what can we say we backed the wrong horses? Maybe better luck with Captain America.


How about for first choice Paul Walker and for runner up Don Johnson.
Smells like apple pie, flags and bush twins to me!

'I Am Legend' by Richard Matheson is an amazing book. I've read it a few times and it never fails to impress me. It is a book about desperation, the end of the world, one tough asshole, and vampires. Not pussy Anne Rice vampires who spend 20 pages describing their shirt so the reader sees how cultured they are, but dirty, dumb, aggressive blood suckers who could care less about anything but food. And the only meal left in the world is Neville, the main character.

You must read this book now.
Why?
Because they are making a film of it.

Starring Will Smith.

With 'I, Robot' under his belt, we all know Smith is experienced at turning amazing novels into utter turds. Hell, he's so good at ruining great books I'm surpried he didn't star in 'A Sound of Thunder.'

The only funnier thing that could happen is if Michael Bay were to direct a transformers movie. Oh wait...

WTF?



Hey thanks everybody!!!! Now I've gotta go see the world's greatest entertainer in OHIO!?!?!!?! What's next, I'm gonna have to see Tobey Keith at the Soaring Eagle????

























I'll finish with this... you pull this kind of shit when Neil
comes to town and that will be the end of YOU!!!

GET OFF YOUR ASS (ONLY FOR A MOMENT) AND DO THE FOLLOWING

The Fall films are coming to a theather near you, giving one plenty of chances to see old British broads gab in between tea and crumpets, starlets gaining weight to play 'real' people and of course the always in demand Sean Penn over-acting movie (yes that is your daughter in there Sean, now fuck off).

Before you are covered in the cliches and OSCAR watches, rent these flicks. My "true" best o' 2006 thus far:

1) THE PROPOSITION:

Take Aussie Goth Pop star Nick Cave and dare him to write a screenplay in three weeks. The result? The best post modern/Old Testament western ever created. As silent as HBO's meta-Western series Deadwood is violently verbose, it satisfies on all levels. The casting is pitch perfect and Danny Huston shows both his father (and grandfather's) acting genes with each and every cold blooded stare.

2) BRICK:

You know what we don't need more of? Teen movies. You know what we do need more of? Teen noirs. High School is a cess pool so why not add some angles to the angst? Director Rian Johnson creates a 40's PI flick that plays out well in Study Hall and grabs the Cliff Notes from the best early works of Joel and Ethan Coen to create an icy, ambitious and fucking hilarious flick.

3) V FOR VENDETTA:

Hyped as the 'new' Matrix, the box office didn't quite pan out for the LA suits. People expecting brain-dead sci-fi 'bullet vision' action eye candy instead were treated to as much political thought as they were bloodshed. In short Bubba Ray Bob lost while the rest of us won. A popcorn movie for the non-mouth breather, it was a rewarding and subversive contribution to a genre that needed a little more brain in its brawn. Also I should add the ONLY flick you need to see on the day you get laid off from your shitty office job.

4) THE INSIDE MAN:

Denzel Washington stops acting like the urban Harrison Ford and has fun in a role again. In this Spike Lee heist flick the tone is old school, the acting is loose and the NYC locations and bit players give the whole film the "what the fuck are you looking at" attitude that Manhattan lost after 9/11. Seriously Hollywood, let New York City be the Asshole Capital of the Free World again! The third act does get clunky but watching Jodie Foster get kudos for being 'a real cunt' makes up for the final 15 minutes of mediocrity.

5) UNITED 93:

Okay, I'm not a GOP/Fox News guy but I hate it when people send me that lie fest known as 'Loose Change' to my Inbox. It's full of crack pot bullshit and the arrogant belief that the only people who could attack our country on 9/11 was our country. Please Bitch, go shove a Chomsky book up your ass and misquote Marx.

Yes roll your eyes. I did the same thing when I heard about this flick but in the crafty hands of Paul Greengrass the politics and the taint of Bush's Crusade-O-Rama is forgotten and 9/11 gets back its humanity (if only for 90 minutes). It's a simple theme: No politics, just people. Flashing between the flight crew and passengers, the FAA ground control center and the NORAD HQ you see how that day became the cluster fuck of missed communication, confusion and disaster. No bullshit 'hero' moments are present ("Let's roll" is uttered as a nervous jitter, not a Die Hard trailer clip) , just people trying to survive. Now that's a concept everyone, everywhere can relate to.

and THE 'WILD-CARD' (because my soap box needs to be smashed)

SLITHER:

Fine, its a B movie. A fucking funny, hillbilly filled B-movie. What the Hell is wrong with that? 'While Snakes on a Plane' didn't quite get the joke that it WAS the joke, 'Slither' wore its schlock as a badge of honor. Combing new-comers Nathan Fillion (the new Han Solo) and Elizabeth Banks with seasoned heavys Gregg Henry and Michael Rooker only ups this creature flick's game and with lines like "Martian is a general term for Space Fucker" and "if I wasn't shittin' my pants I'd be fucking fascinated", that's alot of pick up basketball my friends!!!!

Well this coffee mug is cashed and so am I. Off to see the world, maybe drop kick a Grandma. Have a good weekend pricks!

OLD SCHOOL (AS IN B.C. OLD)




This graphic novel is a sweet read and what a shock there's a movie coming out next year???

Wierd...

Any who here's the trailer. From Frank Miller and the dude who brought us the fine remake that could have stunk like dead skunk ass and didn't Dawn of the Dead (what's hotter than a Russian zombie pregenant chick......Only one answer.....Paris & Jessica making out with a bad case of face herpies!).

Anyone else get the sense that they didn't travel back in time to shoot at these specific locations??? Or are you buying all the heavy cgi backgrounds?

Also kodos to those that spoted Sloth from Goonies in the trailer. You pass the vision and memory test of the day!

TONIGHT!!!!

THE RETURN!!!!!

OF!!!!!

THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!

To whet your appetite for the awesomeness that will be Season 3 of The Office, check out Dwights Blog.

"My uncle Gunther used to tend goats and there were
some very viscous rumors going around the village.
When he fled the invasion he met a Finnish woman and
they had 17 children. That put those rumors to rest
once and for all.

Judge not, lest ye be a judge.

That is all."

Priceless.

THE WAY IT IS




Looks like the Lions forgot to have there Salsa before Sunday's game. It's the only true way to restore the roar. Grrrrrrrr! Seriously I miss the Silverdome, that roar sounded just like a toilet flushing at that place.


On a totally non-suck ass sports team note, this is a fantastic idea.

Make sure to watch the Superman and Matrix endings. Oh and the Lord of the Rings...better yet watch them all and then pick your favorite.

YOU'VE REALLY MADE IT BUDDY!!!!


You know you are the greatest douche bag in the 'free world' when someone creates a fake documentary about the days following your assassination and people flock to it. Bonus points if it wins a jury prize.

Congrats George W Bush!!! You truly have given the world a legacy, just like you promised.

And with that comment, the Feds bust down my door and send me to Zap You In the Nutsack UnLtd.**


***The greatest unknown prison camp the US has to offer.

Happy Friday!!!

Let's play make believe. You produce porno. Not the shittiest kind, but nothing super high-end either. Make believe that you're tired of filming the same shit over and over again. Suck, fuck, suck shoot. Rinse. Repeat. You decide to change it up a little bit. How do you accomplish it?
Pterodactyl porn. Naturally.

Norm MacDonald. Vastly underrated.

Anyhow, I'll try and work up a real post sometime later, maybe this weekend. Keep kicking to let them know you're alive.

I'm sure somebody on here already posted this, but I've kinda been MIA the past couple of weeks courtesy of work. Anyhow, I'm pumped about Spiderman 3, how about you?

Now you have NO excuse.

Cable TV is in a near coma. Reality shows are making us monkeys that are so lazy in another half generation we won't even have the energy to fling poo. Why do we still watch? Because reading a book or having human interaction is just way too taxing for the information age.

What keeps TV, this dried up old whore alive? The Daily Show/Colbert combo, HBO and television's greatest post-modern cartoon, THE VENTURE BROTHERS.

While on the eve of 9/11 Dick Cheney reminded us what a bang up job are Prez is doing dropping bombs on children on MEET THE PRESS; the creators of the Venture Brothers gave America exactally what it needed: this.

After the streaming web service has ended do the country some real good on this day. Go out and talk to a real live person face to face, open a door for a little old lady and most of ALL shut off the fucking TV. FOX NEWS, MSNBC and PROJECT RUNAWAY has nothing new to show you.

IT'S JUST OUT OF CONTROL

So, now before somebody takes away your keys you have to make them blow on your ipod???
I'm saving my money for the one that tags a barcode into my skin with GPS capabilities. You know so the government knows where I'm rockin' it out at all times.

A negative movie review is not always a bad thing.

For instance if someone claimed that the new David Lynch film lacked the artistic 'brilliance' of Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive* that would push my ass to a seat right quick (*if you have a scene where a chick is almost punching her cooter while crying and I'm looking at my watch...you suck. Take that to the Black Lodge and spin on it Laura Palmer).

Case in point for a flick I need to see starring Gary Busey titled The Gingerdead Man. This dude just doesn't get it. In fact half the movies he reviews on his site shouldn't be applied to the conventional review system (although he gets extra points for having a breast count on every slasher flick). When dealing with a train wreck you need to rate based on if you saw a twisted piece of what was formerly man-flesh. You did?! Well then life is good. Following that formula: if 'Gigli' = the unholy union of man and metal the FINAL result is GOOD.

Maybe a site needs to be better devoted to this fighting style. Ain't It Cool doesn't own the market on this shit yet. I now have a mission: I gotta buy a funny French hat, a rifle and a copy of Marx's complete works. The revolution will come! The makers of 'Krull' demand it!!!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14726425/

Why the hell isn't this species extinct yet? Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Panda, we can no longer provide you with 200 square miles of pristine bamboo forest to eat. Perhaps you might have evolved the ability to digest MORE THAN ONE SINGLE FOOD?

The dietary issues aside, when this damn thing finally does reproduce (after 8 years of thinking, "Sex, nah. I'd rather eat this bamboo.") it kills it's offspring accidentally. What the fuck? If you were a human and you did that, you'd be in jail. Instead the idiot zookeepers just said, oh she's very tired. Fuck off. I'm tired too. It dosen't mean I crush my cat when I come home and fall asleep.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of animals, conservation, and zoos. But there are some reasons species go extinct. It's because they cannot adapt. And when we try to help them adapt to preserve their species they kill their own young by accident.

Ah, the Panda. Nature's version of 'The Other Sister.'

So, I guess the U. S. Governement considers this to be obscene?



(If you're at all offended by this, be glad i didn't post the description of "Toilet Man 6" Thank you thesmokinggun.com for disgusting and enlightening me.)

One Thing i Know for a Fact:
I can no longer listen to "The Scat Man" and not think of a group of people making balls of human feces and eating them. (beee-bop bo-bah-dah bop)

The Detroit Lions are far and away the best football team in the world.

Now why would I make a statement like that? Is it because I'm from Detroit and have lowered my expectations so much that getting over seven wins seems like a victory, or is it because their assistants get busted for DUI and DRIVING NUDE?
Yep.
Best team in football. So, how about them Red Wings?

RECOMMENDED FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE


Pan's Laybrinth trailer.

Pretty sure it has nothing to do with that David Bowie pic from the 80's. You know the one with the muppets......plus the lady from Requiem for a Dream, the one that did the ass to ass for dope. That's the one she should have won the award for, not that chump wife role in that sugar coated Ron Howard goop. What was that called again.....simple minds....or whatever just watch the trailer, go see the movie. I don't care.....

THIS ONE IS TO EASY




Yeah I know "PAO's gonna rag all over the sequel to Daredevil, dicks!" First off no there is no sequel to Daredevil. Why? Cause sometimes a studio just knows when to cut and run. No this image represents one of the worst things I've ever seen on the web. So bad that even our poor sarcasm of "the greatest thing ever" is null and void because of it. Please go to the bathroom before checking out this SITE. Once your there click the Costume Package Menu and buy us something. Halloween's just around the corner.

Ever wonder how superheroes gain access to their junk when they gotta use the can???
Wonder no more!

Wire Hangers and a hard win for Darwin!

Man could the last two weeks get any better? The FDA approved The Morning After Pill to be sold over the counter. Yep now you can clear both your sinuses and your womb in one trip! This truly is a great country.

If you know of anyone who needs a high powered wet vac (slightly used) let me know. With the current news the thing is just taking up space in my basement.

And in better news....this asshole finally got offed!

The animal that did it? A stingray. It used its tail to put a hole right in his heart, Commando-style. How awesome is that?

So on this day of Labor take the time from crunching up fetus killing pills into that slut you banged OJ and salute the Stingray. The Ocean's Great Equalizer.

"You're welcome America. Now I'm off to the set of 'Project Runway' ".