I bet I know what's going through these dudes minds after this mornings Oscar nominations. Here goes......

I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
A look from you and I would fall from grace
And that would wipe the smile right from my face

Do you remember when we used to dance
And incidents arose from circumstance
One thing lead to another we were young
And we would scream together songs unsung

It was the heat of the moment
Telling me what my heart meant
The heat of the moment showed in your eyes

And now you find yourself in '82
The disco hot spots hold no charm for you
You can concern yourself with bigger things
You catch a pearl and ride the dragon's wings

'Cause it's the heat of the moment
The heat of the moment
The heat of the moment showed in your eyes

And when your looks are gone and you're alone
How many nights you sit beside the phone
What were the things you wanted for yourself
Teenage ambitions you remember well

It was the heat of the moment
Telling me what your heart meant
The heat of the moment showed in your eyes

It was the heat of the moment
The heat of the moment
The heat of the moment showed in your eyes

Heat of the moment
Heat of the moment
Heat of the moment
Heat of the moment.

Run, Ronnie, RUN!

This was funny to me. You get the idea pretty quickly, but at about 1:57 into it this dude makes me laugh really, really uncomfortably hard.

What to do in case of terrorist attacks.

The next time you try to piss on Lars Ulrich you better make sure you finish the job.

Avril is not and never was "Punk".

Are you a chick on Myspace with an overwhelming need to get naked, but Tom keeps taking down all of your fun lil’ pics? Playboy to the rescue!

Pit Pat, Globo-Chem, Ronnie Dobbs. If you don’t know, you need to find out.

Will someone PLEASE give this man a job?

NO SHIT!
You may or may not like the Strokes but you have to give them credit for putting David Cross in there latest video, enjoy! I know, he's no Eric Roberts, but Mr. Robers can only be in so many places at once.

Most of you have been holding your breath and crossing your figures for this but hold and cross no more.......Alien vs. Predator 2 has a green light!!!!! Now if they can get an Alien and a Predator to mate and create a Aliator or a Predien that would be something. Have it fight Eric Roberts and you've got my ass in a seat.

On a lighter note, wouldn't you say it's about time we found an alternative fuel source???
Happy Friday!!!!!

Everybody Knows

Leonard Cohen documentary with some musical performances will be coming out. It looks really cool, if you’re so inclined.

Evan Almighty. This title sounds like it’s a spoof of the hit “Bruce Almighty” right? Wrong. It’s a sequel starring Steve Carell’s character from the hit. Morgan Freeman will be God, of course, and Steve, well, he needs to build an Ark because a flood is coming. No joke. Steve needs to learn that you don’t have to say yes to every movie that comes along (unless lattejesus and I write one in which case, yes, Steve, you must take every job that comes your way).

In news relevant if this was nine years ago, Jennifer Love Hewitt may pose for Playboy. In other uninteresting and unlikely news, when I go grocery shopping tonight Scarlett Johansson might offer to let me bang her in a Kroger bathroom. (You never know, the Super Bowl IS coming to town and there will be celebrities galore)

One Thing I Know For A Fact:
This made me laugh. America is fucked and this is why. We have too much time and money if we’re making and purchasing musical porch swings. Who does this product appeal to? “Listen (son/daughter), if you don’t go outside RIGHT NOW and practice your Porch Swing Xylophone, you are NOT getting dessert. I swear to God, you will thank me for this when you’re playing the first chair Porch Swing Xylophone at the New York Philharmonic!”.

Now for your treat: Detroit has the best graffiti ever. (suck it NYC!!)

"LARRY, STOP POINTIN' THAT FUCKIN' GUN AT MY DAD!"
RIP Sean "Nice Guy Eddie" Penn 1965-2006

What happens when you take a pile of shit in your right hand and a pile of shit in your left hand and slap them together? That's right you get shit all over yourself.

TARDCORE

Well, if you ever wondered why the last two Matrix flicks licked the llamas ass this may be a possible reason. My personal opinion.....not one frame of Frank Stallone.

Dang, Lou Reed! Does Hollywood suck so bad you gotta lump them with the mentally challenged??? Don't think the Burkemister and his gimp cast mate won't have something to say about that.

And now back to what we're all here for. I don't know what this is supposed to be for, but the squatting dude is my favorite.

UPDATE: BEST TV SHOW IDEA EVER!!

This is just to level the playing field of shirtless people on this site. Looks like we need one more shirtless lady to play ball!

David Hasselhoff has just blown my fucking mind.



My wife found that link, and I don't know if i'll ever be the same again...

KNEEL BEFORE ROTH


In what is most likely total bullshit news David Lee Roth claims he's spoken to Alex Van Halen and "a reunion with Van Halen is inevitable." To believe this would happen is to believe R. Kelly can really fly or will ever get put away for peeing on minors. (Although charges should be brought against him for Trapped in the Closet). Would it be one of the greatest reunions in Rock history, HELLS YEAH! Can Eddie restrain his hate for Dave and his love of boose long enough for a tour??? Probably not, But we've been known to be wrong at this site before. Remember when it was discovered that Unicorns are real!

In completly related news Paul Thomas Anderson is working on a new film. I'm sure it will be good like his other flicks but what we'd all really like to see is an adventure film staring Chest Rockwell and Brock Landers. With music by Lovage. Now that's a fucking franchise just waiting to make billions of dollars! My premise for the first picture involves Chest and Brock making it big with "You've got the touch" by selling it for Transformers the movie. You can only image where it goes from there.

Touch of Grey

Hippies. Eric Cartman hates them, and I don’t hate them I just find their music boringly repetitive, redundant, lame and also redundant. There’s nothing inherently wrong with liking lame music (except Rush), it’s just not my thing. I find listening to Abba or even throwing feces against a wall to be more entertaining. I found myself reading the local newspaper and on the front page was a story titled "Avoiding a Superjam"and my first thought was Bonnaroo, that dirty stinky hippy Jam festival in Tennessee that attracts groups of people who will wait in line 7 hours just to park and then camp without any real hygienic considerations. But upon closer inspection I realized that the “Super Jam” they were talking about was for the Super Bowl. I live in metro Detroit. There’s going to be some traffic here at the start of February (although a much smaller crowd now that Indy and the Pats have been defeated). That makes a lot more sense than, well, hippies.

ONE THING I KNOW FOR A FACT:
On this date in 1778 Captain James Cook discovered Hawaii. The natives threw rocks at the sailors, stole their boats, played shitty music and got high while dancing in circles, beating drums and playing hackey sack. No, wait, that’s not correct. Anyhow, after having one of their smaller boats stolen, Captain Cook was killed in an attempt to get the boat back. While leaving the rest of the crew fired cannon rounds onto the beach where the natives were standing, killing a group of them, which is probably why it became a leper colony. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

It's all abou the

If I say Benjamin Franklin what is the first image that pops into your skull. If it’s Puff Daddy, P-Diddy, Diddy, P., whatever, rapping about the $100 bill then I’m reaching the right crowd.
Money. Cash. Cheddar. Paper. Whatever you want to call it. When you pull that wrinkled $100 bill that your mommy gave you and look at it, do you think: “Why is the guy that invented the light bulb on one our bills? He was probably one of the first Presidents or something.” and crumple it back up and stuffed it next to your iPod?
I wouldn’t fault you for that. People often refer to money as “dead presidents”. It would seem to follow that Benjamin Franklin fell into that category. But he’s not.
Benjamin Franklin is one of the “Founding Fathers” of the nation, an ambassador for our then young nation, an inventor (and no, not of the light bulb), and he really loved the ladies.
The highest official office that Benjamin Franklin held was as Postmaster General.

If the dude on the $100 bill were alive today, he’d have just turned 300. I’d hate to be the doctor that had to do THAT prostate exam.

Happy $100 bill day, everybody!

The uber-straight boys from Menudo wish you a very heterosexual Friday the 13th!



This magic moment inspired by Webvomit and the always fun "Interactive Friday".

Speaking of torso's other than mine which is currently lopsided, here's some awsome news about an excellent graphic novel being translated to screen.

It's cold, I've gotten no play in over six weeks. I guess its posting time!

Hello world wide web and our vast readership of five (count 'em FIVE!).

I've dusted off my groin, plucked my brow and am drinking the finest whiskey Scobeyville, NJ has to offer which brings me to the reason I am here.

To honor the victims of Hurricane Katrina yours truly is giving up the hard booze (beer and wine don't count fuckers) for the Lent season. I hope to document the DTs in vast detail for your education and entertainment (watch the readership fucking soar to six!!!!).

To add some pre-show before my 40 day fast I have gone on a rot gut whiskey spree. Every week a new pint enters my home!

Let me review:

Royal Canadian Whisky (they leave the 'e' off, too costly):
For $3.85 the savings are passed on to nobody. Its a blend of syrup and burning, horrible, welcoming burning.

Canadian Club:
For $5.80 a damn fine basic bit of pain killer. Aged Six Years and it totally made me forget I licked that insurance guy's pee hole for a half chewed Whopper and some bus fare. To paraphrase Sinatra: Regrets, I've had a few/But at least/it wasn't this whiskey!

G & W Five Star American Blended Whiskey:
$6.12 for a fifth!!!!! I just sampled this wonder from the Bon Jovi state and have lost all feeling in my frontal lobe. A little tip, when the bottle states 72.5% Grain neutral Spirits, you are better off huffing paint.

Well off to dream of Roadhouse II starring Rick Moranis and Lance Henriksen (fingers crossed!). Return to your White Stripes album and MTV reality programming.

I wasn't even supposed to be here today!

So, the Clerks 2 trailer is up on the web. If you have the patience, download it. I did not have the patience.

Also, Warner Bros. is doing Where the Wild Things Are as directed by that genius Spike Jonze. Sounds good enough to me.

We know this guy, Jasper. He runs a blog called Webvomit and it’s very very good. He keeps us up to date on the best of the music you don’t hear among other things. He’s been silent for a little while and I asked him why. Turns out he’s been a very busy blogger. Check out the new Webvomit. Webvomit 2.0, training wheels for the musically impaired.

All of your celebrity gossip needs are here.

Fine, I'll take you on.

Inebriation can lead to many things. There are many consequences of the things you say or do (sometimes twice) and you’re completely unaware what kind of nonsense you were up to the night before. Although I haven’t been on that kick in quite some time, it seems that A-Ha have been. Hmmmm. Name not ringing a bell? They were a one hit wonder band from the 80’s whose music video was the only reason they received even a modicum of respect. Well, guess what? They’re back. I’m guessing they were drinking and reminiscing about old times, got more plastered than intended and ended up picking up their instruments.
In what was probably an alcohol fueled hazed orgy of cheesy-ness, they must have accidentally pushed the record button, and before sobering up sent the tape to an unsuspecting music company. Finding it hilarious, an A&R man must have immediately sought out a still well tanked A-Ha and got them to shoot this video. (He probably heard "Analogue" and thought "Anal Log". Easy mistake.)
Understand that I’m just speculating here, because they sure as hell didn’t do this for the art.
courtesy of d-listed

check out their uber-hotness:

Come out of the closet, Tom.

Good news everybody!! With $2,000,000 you too can buy a strip club on e-bay! What can’t you get on e-bay?

The Yeah Yeah Yeah's have something to say.

And now for sports: Tonight “The Granddaddy of them all” the Rose Bowl will be played to determine who is the college blah blah blah. Know what used to make sports fun? Pranks. Like, say, a disgruntled school sabotaging the half time show of the Rose Bowl to hilarious effect on national TV. It happened in 1961 and would never happen in this day and age. It’s the gold standard of on air TV pranks and has yet to be surpassed.

One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Let me start by saying Orgazmo is a GREAT movie. Hilarious. The movie pokes fun at the Mormons. I have to say though that 110 years ago today, the United States made a potentially fatal error by admitting Utah into the Union. It set a dangerous precedent. If you have a whack-job religion, just settle in some huge open space and eventually you’ll become part of the United States. I’m sure the scientologists have been taking notes. I predict that in thirty years our 51st State will be called Battlefield Earth.

COOL SHIT ALERT!

Pan's Labyrinth, is from Gullermo Del Toro. the dude who made the above films. If you haven't seen these films or Chronos, check them out. Be prepared to read cause there in Spanish and don't have any "Godzilla" type dubbing. Now check out the trailer
for PL, it looks Like Labyrinth on crack and taking place in hell.

TOP NINE PICKS FOR 2005 FLICKS

Here's a list of films I paid good american dollars to see in a theater and didn't walk out saying
"Money and time I'll never get back unless I get my John Deer time machine to work again"

9. Pride and Prejudice - I know what your thinking, I'll never visit this site again! This dude is a total wienner. It's on the list cause I went in expecting to be in complete misery the whole time. There was never a doubt that I'd have nothing but full on hate for this picture and ended up discovering it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. One major help, the Cinematography was excellent and Keira Knightly is pretty hot (and Donald Sutherland, get some).

8. Syriana - The best comment overheard after seeing this film "Rember next time your filling up your gas tank that some fucked up shit happend to get it there" It's got a pretty brutal torture sequence that a fat George Clooney pulls off well and MATT DAMON!

7. The 40 Year Old Virgin - It's rare to see a movie in the theater that's intended to make you laugh out loud cause it's funny. Unlike a film that makes you laugh out loud cause it sucks (see: Unleashed, the Other Sister). The last time I blew a nut like that was Napoleon Dynamite. "You know how I know your gay.....You listen to Coldplay."

6. The Constant Gardener - Rachel Weiz and Ralph Finnes are pretty darn good in this one, the outcome isn't what I expected from a political thriller type film but It played out very nicely. So far Fernando Meirelles (City of God) is 2 for 2.

5. Sin City - This is the most literal comic to film transition that's been done. Gotta pick up the extended cut to see if the parts that I know were missing were put back in. Hey, if it's got Mickey Rourke as Marv how can you go wrong? Jessica Alba is lame but you already knew that. Other than her less than FANTASTIC performance it's an excellent adaption of old crazy Frank Miller's classic comics.

4. A HIstory of Violence - Nothing at all like the graphic novel except for the premise but hey it worked well. Vigo does an excellent job as a family man who serves pie just as easily as he could shoot your pecker off. Ed Harris and Maria Bello also do a fine job. Special guest star apperance by William Hurt "how do you fuck that up????" Just awsome.

3. King Kong - Ok, so Kong doesn't throw his poo, he doesn't masturbate or talk like Garey Busy but, there's still some pretty amazing shit in this film. For me the fight with the T-Rex, holy shit that's some badassery right there. Yeah, it's three hours long but you don't feel it and you may even cry when Kong get's his legs cut off by obi wan......oh wait, sorry I'm getting into the years worst list. Naomi Watt is also bad ass in this pic to.

2. Serenity - Finally! even though it didn't do great at the BO some closure for fans of FIrely. Do yourself a favor, get the box set of Firefly and see Serenity right after. You will not be disappointed. It's a sci-fi series that gets it right unlike George Lucas. Perhaps some how a sequel or new tv series will come of this despite you lame suckasses who haven't seen it yet.

1. Batman Begins - Old pointy ears finally gets the movie he deserves "but Armen, Tim Burton's Batman was Sweet!" No, it's garbage, when's the last time you saw it? What did you learn about Bruce Wayne or Batman for that matter that interested you? Squat! Until this film. The cast is perfect (except Ms. Scientology) and they nail Bruce Wayne and Batman as a charcter whose a little messed up from his parents death. Not to mention when Batman shows up you could see why criminals would shit themselves. Also the Batmobile is the coolest fucking car in film history. It's a tank with a rocket on it. This film is just plain TITS!

Here's some of my picks for 06, read all about them here.


The Fountain, Zodiac, Pan's Labyrinth, Black Snake Moan, and Superman Returns.

From Ellis's finger tips to your eyes.

Shots of whisky between finishing a magnum of champagne? Don't do that again. I think I've woken up with motor neurone disease. So fuck 2005 right in the eyesocket. Horrible year. Will 2006 be anybetter? I'll settle for not having to bury any more of my friends for a year. Hoping to travel more. Also,forming a religion of some kindwould be good. Embracing my destiny as Internet Jesus. (Or, at the very least, Wise Man OfThe Internet Forest, who appearshalf-clothed at the treeline everyday to make Proclamations AndPropheses. You all want to fuck me now, eh?)I kiss you all upon your pointy bits. Happy new year, people.

-- Warren Ellis