Happy Halloween.

And to all the DIY ladies - pumpkin double dildo.

Yeah, you're saying gross, but you're totally trying this later. The smell of fresh pumpkin AND fresh dildo? You're so all over it.

OMFG.


trailer

Quick Hits:

Dumbledore is gay. I have no idea what that means, but good for them?

You can save Christmas with these fine bumper stickers. Because, you know, almost no one celebrated last year.

Jean-Claude Van Damme article that is truly hilarious. Ends with footage of JCVD busting into a casting session for a movie about him. And then demands to have the role. Of Jean-Claude Van Damme. If you read one thing today before you stare at breasticles, please read this. It's well written, funny, and full of pot shots at JCVD.
from the article:
"But he's managed to do a lot with a little. Jean-Claude has three expressions: worried, charming, and doing a split. Of the three, doing a split is the most convincing. Getting crucified in Cyborg? Worried. Disposing of a bomb that could blow up a sacred Muslim shrine and start a jihad in The Order? Really worried. Meeting a spunky lady reporter in any number of movies? Charming. Confronting the hitmen who killed his wife? Do a split."

This guy posted something about some band.

Wave of Mutilation

Okay. So, there's this movie i kind of want to see. But it stars some people i think i kind of hate. So, to make it okay to me, and possibly also you:

Here's the trailer to Southland Tales starring the Highlanders own Christopher Lambert, John Larroquette, Cheri Oteri, and everyone's favorite actor/comedian Jon Lovitz. (Yes, and also Justin Timberlake...with a musical number, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar... as a porn star, and Sean William Scott). But, but, but, they use a Pixies song in the trailer and it's written and directed by Richard Kelly! I don't know. But, like i said, i kind of want to see it. Did i mention Janeane Garofalo plays a General in it? I didn't? Well...she does.

Southland Tales - Trailer

Posted Sep 21, 2007

Set in Los Angeles in the year 2008 during a three day heat wave just before a huge 4th of July celebration, an action star stricken with amnesia meets up with an adult film star developing her own reality television project and a Hermosa Beach police officer who holds the key to a vast conspiracy. The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott, Mandy Moore and Justin Timberlake star.

Mwa-haaa... the French...

Cracked.com has the 11 Most Unintentionally Poignant Drunk Celebrity Videos, and they have the order all wrong. At number 11 is the greatest thing i've ever seen. Orson Welles, clearly plastered, trying to do a champagne commercial.

So, skip the Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and Hasslehoff videos. Right here, the only celebrity gold on that site.

This is a $400,000 couch

From Funny or Die: Will Ferrell, Judd Apatow and Adam McKay, and porn.
Magnificent.

NSFW...?

ummmmm. -kay.

MSPAINT Porn

General Stuff and Sargent Random

Pants Are Optional. That phrase used to make me chuckle as we'd invite friends over to the house and add that on to the end of the invite. The thought of friends having drinks and socializing without pants is very amusing to me. But then, I'm guessing celebrities started reading this site, and there was a rash of celeb snizz everywhere. For sure.

Anyhow, i take this as unofficial endorsement of celebrities the world over. But mostly of skanky, dirty, young hollywood with loose meat curtains and morals. I thank you for your seeming endorsement of the site.

Anyhow, continuing the theme of undergarments, did you know Mormons believe in magic underwear? And we may end up with a guy in the white house who believes with his whole heart that his magic underwear will protect him. Anyhow, here's a guy who is not Mormon trying to purchase a set of the sacred undies.



UPDATE: Britney endorses us yet again. Jesus, it's like i knew...

Right now I'm kinda wishing YOUR mom had felt like I do.

Hey, howdy, hi. Hi there. Hey. Heeeeeey. Alright.

For people who don't plan on having children and don't like getting harassed about it, Happily Childfree has the answers to all the stupid questions. Even if you do want children, the site is pretty flippin' funny.

If you love the Metric, you pretty much need to go down on Jasper over at WebVomit for getting you live versions of new tracks.

Courtesy of Irony is Gay, a trailer for the Futurama movie.



Modern Drunkard writes about important things.

Anyhow. Start your week off right, click on the Bear Force 1 link below. And we thank you for your support.

Power bottoms. It's all about speed.

This is so easy. Click on "Demand it". You build up demand for a band. They see how much support they have in an area, and if it's overwheleming how can they NOT come to your town? Detroit needs Bear Force One like an ugly chick needs the goth scene to hide behind all the hair and make-up. So, like, we need them a lot. And not just Detroit. America needs Bear Force 1. There's nothing keeping you from creating your own "Demand It" page on Eventful. I'm looking at you Idaho. I hear you are DYING for the Bear Force dance-splosion.

IT WON'T HAPPEN


Cause you'd want it to.

Considering how fragmented entertainment has become, you'd think that something like Firefly/Serenity would be something that could exist on.....let me think....It was a sci-fi show first, then it was a sci-fi movie......where could they air a sci-fi show? I give up....I don't know? What I do know is that Universal Studios has the rights to the property, they released the film. Universal is also apart of NBC. NBC has a network that's called THE SCI-FI CHANNEL!!!!!!

WEIRD!

In fact, I recall a time where you could see re-runs of Firefly on a Friday night just before the movie came out.

Another movie would be great, but come on it's meant to be a TV show. Why is this so complicated.....my head hurts and I should be making six figures at NBC right now.

October or ROCKtober?

Okay. It's October. Fine.

Anyhow, we're here. It's fall. Pumpkins and cider are plentiful. You know what that means.

Carve your pumpkin online time again.

Ladies, when you're trying to decide what slutty costume to buy from here, think about what men would go nuts seeing you dressed up as instead of what you've dreamed about being since you were a little girl. Unless you've always wanted to be a slutty pirate, in which case, marry me.

The link above is getting it right. This is getting it oh so wrong.

But, let's face it. I'd still try to bang them. I mean, they do look like they're ALMOST 12.

Ah, Armen left a trailer for 'No Country for Old Men.' It is finally the year for Cormac McCarthy. I am comfortable saying this is one guy who is welcome to my 5th hole. He spent 20 years writing books that were critically acclaimed (i.e. no one read them but holy crap were they awesome). Last year he writes 'The Road' which might just be the bleakest (is that the correct use of bleak?) novel ever to win the Pulitzer.

It's also one of the greatest books of all time. It addresses the importance of fatherhood and how the roles as a parent change if the world no longer makes sense (the novel is post-apocalypse in setting, but it's a nice metaphor for the world we live in today). He finally gets commercial success and sells tons o' books right about the time the Coen brothers need to redeem themselves. And lookie here, they found one of his best works to do it with.

With the films of ‘No Country for Old Men’ and ’30 Days of Night’ coming out I might almost be able to cope with the immense rage that rises every time I see the trailer for ‘I Am Legend.’

Almost.

THANK CHRIST!

The Coen's owe us after the last two pictures they put out. Up until Intolerable Cruelty and The Lady Killers they had yet to make a stinker. This looks to be a return to form.

Let us pray......every day.

So strong, my face is. You break, your fingers.

Metalocalypse Season 1 DVD box set is on sale today for a fairly reasonable price (anywhere between $19 and $22). I recommend this show. Also i recommend the Dethklock album entitled Dethalbum, but be sure and get the double CD, because life isn't complete until you can drive into work to the Duncan Hill Coffee Jingle.

Sports rant...

Baseball:
The Detroit Tigers season ended today, as i think all the fans knew it would about mid-August. Although i was secretly holding out hope for a Yankees collapse to the very end.
I think the Tigers were fantastic this year. Granderson and Maggs were amazing. I don't think you can ask for more of any baseball team than to be in the hunt going into September, and they were. It was fantastic.
Regarding the Mets historic collapse: I'd rather a surging Phillies team makes the playoffs than a faltering Mets team. Both you and Detroit have a lot of work to do. So, buck up and start planning for next year. The Phillies deserved it.

Futbol:
I think twenty five years ago or so Chris Berman or John Madden probably made some fart joke, and thus the marriage of sports commentary and analysis and comedy was conceived in some monstrous shot gun wedding. Next thing you know Chris Berman's got stupid nicknames for everyone and can currently be found publicly blowing Brett Favre on ESPN. Pre-game shows are an hour long, and they've taken to getting tubby comedians to augment the cutting wit that is Terry Bradshaw. Holy fuck. Count me out.
There is no reason for any of this horse shit. You have 13 NFL games (14 if you count Monday night) to break down and analyze. Cut your shit to half an hour and give me a rundown without your bullshit. Real analysis. Less blowing Brett Favre, more telling me about the Bears decimated secondary. Fuck you guys.
For the record: the Lions have three wins after four games. But they have yet to have an impressive win. They don't have everything clicking and their defense is sub-par. I've said five wins this year. I'll stand by that.

Sports nerdery has ended. Continue surfing for pictures of that chick from the Disney thing who was nude. Or something.