Bill O'Reilly refuses to acknowledge the truth

Why is everyone concerned with this alleged “war on Christmas” here in the grand old United States? 83% of Americans identify themselves as “Christian”. That’s not a war, that’s a massacre.
No. The war that needs to be focused on, and that Bill O’Reilly CONTINUES TO IGNORE, is the war in my pants.
Scarlett Johansson has waged a pre-emptive strike on my bathing suit region. She INSISTS on using her weapons of mass distraction to force me to fantasize about her. In her ongoing attempt to dominate my nether region, Scarlett has been cast in a movie set in the 1940’s. How am I supposed to live my life when I’m being systematically and prodigiously assaulted? I’M JUST A HUMAN BEING!!!
So, I say man up Bill O’Reilly, and recognize where the true enemy is embedded. It’s in my pants and its armed and dangerous.