Back from my State sponsored 'sick leave'.

I've learned to heal through the power of light beer, watching 'The Hitcher' and astrology. Don't want to stroke my own Hot Wheels ramp but I'm pretty good! Scroll down and feel the power of truth.......


Aquarius (Jan 20th-Feb 18):

Now is the time to take hold and change your life. But it’s the weekend and you just can’t say no to cut-rate gin and a back alley reach-a-round can you?

Pisces (Feb 19th –March 20th):

Your symbol is a fish. You sad bastard.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):

It’s always important to be the better person. You know who says that? FAGS!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

New job opportunities arise. Yeah it comes from that fat guy touching himself at the end of the Applebee’s bar but fuck, free nachos are free nachos.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):

Those new romantic feelings in your life? Yeah it ends here.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):

Is it ‘beer before liquor never sicker’? Or is it ‘liquor before beer all is clear’? Better tell your friends you’re sorry for taking a shit on their cat now so you can move on.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22):

Your romantic fling will soon blossom into something long term. In short, you’ve got crabs.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22):

You’re really going out in that huh? Live that dream man.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22):

You need to commit to your desires. So cut DOWN the vein, not ACROSS it.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

You just died a little more inside. Here, have a cookie.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19):

Use tonight to lose your fear of new things. But remember…no one hears the safety word if you’ve got a ball gag in your mouth.