IT'S SEXY TIME!



NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!

Watch out on the internet folks, they'll be geek juice all over it.

Bruce Willis is a dead Superhero who doesn't know the aliens hate Mel Gibson (and that Kevin Smith is a douche)!!!!!!

Fun game to play kids! With the release and slow death of M. Night Shamalamadingdong's "Lady in the Water" the auteur who will eventually die for our sins and save the world created a creature called a Scrunt.

A little tip to you future over-rated screenwriters. When creating names for animals you might want to research modern slang...or at the very least Google.

Observe from Urban Dictionary (for my HTML link is out to lunch):

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scrunt

Superman Returns is in risk of not returning, Little Man is doing great box office and the director of The Transporter movies (aka the most homoerotic action flicks of all time) is directing another Hulk movie. And you thought the first one sucked, shame on you.

Dream deep, big and long our dear readership of five. The end is near.

RECOMMENDATION

Before you die, go to a MUSE concert! They make great sounds on there albums yet those sounds are even more amazing live. There are few bands that sound even better live, MUSE is one of them. Hands down, the show we attended at the State Theater located in fabulous downtown Detroit Michigan was one of the best concerts my eyes and ears have ever witnessed. Generally I value my hearing and require the use of ear plugs and rarley pull them out. During the first song those suckers were gone and I'm totally digging the ringing in my ears. Even the lighting was super cool. It was just a high energy show and they just ripped through songs with no bullshit. Justa, "hello Detroit how are you" and "see you again Detroit. " With any luck they'll come back again as soon as humanly possible. If they do don't dilly dally around with getting a ticket, the show tonight was sold out and it will sell out again. At this point I want to see them again tomorrow, so back to work on my time machine to travel back to see the show again!

ROCK N' ROLL BITCHES!

P.S.

The new MUSE album gets better with each playing, check it out.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages, open up your Picture Pages!

Black Dahlia Trailer

This actually makes me want to see it.

Transformers Trailer

uhh...not as much.

Hollywoodland Trailer

Ben Affleck is in something that doesn't look like pure shit. Good for him. He's letting Adrien Brody do all the heavy lifting.


Here's your pic of the day:


Have a good weekend.

DAVID CROSS + HILLBILLY HUMOR + WONDERSHOWZEN = FANTASTIC!!

What's keeping you entertained today?

I'm sorry, Steely who? Should i know you?

Steely Dan are out of their fucking minds. Owen Wilson is in “You, Me and Dupree”. Steely Dan apparently had a song called “Cousin Dupree”, and that’s got their panties in a bunch. So they wrote an open letter to Owens younger brother Luke and posted it on their website.
From: steelydan.com

"What we suspect may have happened is this: some hack writer or producer or whatever they call themselves in Malibu or Los Feliz apparently heard our Grammy winning song "Cousin Dupree" on the radio and thought, hey, man, this is a cool idea for a character in a movie or something. OK, so the "cousin" idea was no doubt eliminated so as not to offend the Fundamentalist ticket buyers in the flyovers. Nevertheless, they, like, took our character, this real dog sleeping on the couch and all, and put him in the middle of some hokey "Down and Out in Beverly Hills" rip off story and then when it came time to change that characters name or whatever so people wouldn’t know what a rip the whole thing was, THEY DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO THINK UP A NEW FUCKING NAME FOR THE GUY!"

Read the whole fucking thing. It’s hilarious. They threaten to send a “dude like a Navy Seal only Russian” to, it sounds like, do bodily harm to either Luke or Owen or both. This is where we get interactive. I would like you to write a reply to Steely Dan from either Owen or, more appropriately, Luke Wilson.
(h/t to wwtd)

Reviews, Tidbits and Candy (the candy is not for you!)

Want to see 'A Scanner Darkly'? Really? You like dialogue that goes on and on and on and on? Well have fun with that. I'd rather be placed in front of two monitors showing the Paris Hilton video and the other oh let's say 'Derailed'. Add a dude in a hamster suit walking by every 15 minutes to punch me in the balls and life is a sweet, sweet bowl of steaming hooker urine.

It could be me, but the majority of director Richard Linklater's work makes me feel like I'm the sober guy at the party, being forced to listen to the ramblings of pipe heads who have been getting their load on since last Tuesday. With 'Darkly' I got that feeling 15 minutes in and it never, ever went away. Casting Keanu Reeves as the undercover narc who is often referred to as 'blank', oh how witty you are Mr. Linklater! Go fuck a rabid spider monkey.

Finding myself at the video store Friday evening covered in vomit (not my own of course), I stumbled onto 'Oldboy', a Korean revenge flick that definitely brought more to the dance than expected. Lately the Asian film market has broken from the sword fu branches to the disturbing psycho dramas. I thought 'Audition' was fucked up, but 'Oldboy' gave it a run for its money. Name the last American action flick you've seen that was violent, disturbing, oddly touching and best of all intelligent. Keep thinking on it, don't worry the neighbors will call the cops once the smell hits.

I need to go back to unforgiving outside, take in 'Strangers With Candy', shoplift and expose myself to a priest. Sundays, they take a lot out of you.

Stumbling towards the weekend

Here is a “list of the 10 best and 5 worst” action movies based on comic books. WHERE IS ‘THE PUNISHER’?

Okay, let’s talk you tube. Latest phenomena. Greatest thing since sliced poon. No doubt. But it becomes incredibly easy to get distracted. Three things.

1. Try this for me. Pick a song by a band you enjoy, enter into the You Tube, and start clicking on the shitty college bands covering that song. Hilarious. (HI-larious.)


2. A lot of people think they are crazy people who just have fun and dance and sing along to songs, and they think it’s totally funny and hilarious. Guess what? You’re wrong. You’re doing what every idiot with a camera does on You Tube. It’s like broadcasting to the world “guess whose life is so mind-numbing and boring that I’ve been reduced to doing THIS and calling it entertainment.” Read a book for fucks sake. Then maybe you’ll say something interesting/funny on accident. (note to hot underage girls wearing loose fitting tank tops, you can completely disregard this and continue doing what you’re doing).


3. I encourage this. This I can look down my nose upon. He’s singing seriously about Jesus.

My next wife. That’s just a whole new level of crazy.

Kurt Loder is alive and has opinions about movies. No really. I guess you’re supposed to care how he feels about “Lady in the Lake”.





One Thing I Know For a Fact:
This day in 1925 saw the end of the famous Scopes Monkey trial, setting the ground work for, of course, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (support the FSM for “Missionary Pirate” purposes).

It feels like Friday

Watch Kevin Smith tell funny stories about Superman. Which reminds us, Clerks II is released this weekend. Go check it out and post a review why doncha?

Stephan Colbert announces that he’s not gay, just like Oprah and her friend whose relationship is so deep that it cannot be expressed in words, Gayle King. This is just fucking hilarious.

GNARLS BARKLEY and PEEPING TOM TOURING TOGETHER!!! State Theatre in Detroit on August 7th. Someone show me some love and get me a pass. (Mojo on Conan O’Brien, for your viewing pleasure.) $30 tickets plus rapemaster chargers puts it at $38. It’ll totally be worth it if you buy me a ticket. I put out.

Here’s your pic of the day:



One Thing I Know For a Fact:
With an ass like that you can get all the extra syrup you want.

"This is funny."

Lucky Louie. Better than advertised.

Should this guy be my new hero?

That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age

Aint it Cool News has the skinny on the funny new Judd Apatow (40 Year Old Virgin, etc.) film.

Now for a little rant, if ya don’t mind. I’ve been avoiding this for some time, and I honestly never thought I’d say this, but: has Angelina Jolie become a little less attractive since giving birth? Not physically, no. But besides the stunning good looks she’s always come across as a girl you could handcuff, spank and then pee on without there even being a question of whether or not it was okay. But now…am I really going to pee on someone’s mother? I just don’t know. I guess Angelina’s going to have to swing by so I can find out.





One Thing I Know For a Fact:
On this day in 1879 Val Kilmer Doc Holliday killed for the first time, and although widely regarded as a gunslinger, he had only two verifiable deaths on his hands when he died in 1887.

Ol' Skool

According to my boss, working during business hours is preferable to dicking around on the internet and updating the blog. Which is, let’s face it, fucking ridiculious. But I like money, and short of hustling for $5 handjobs, this is all I know how to do. Now, on with the show.

UPDATE: Brisco Muthafuckin' County Jr. complete series. Someone do Kung-Fu a solid and buy this for me. If you do i'll thank you on the blog.

Captain Jack Sparrow is gay. The proof? This chick said so. If that’s all the credibility you need, I want it to be known that I’m the most attractive man women have ever set their eyes upon, and that my 18” dick can sing the national anthem. I’m available for children’s parties.

Yargh!

Good Grief! I wasn't even supposed to be here today.

The Detroit Tigers have a 4.5 game lead on the White Sox going into the White Sox vs. Tigers series starting tonight. The rumor is that either the Tigers or the White Sox will bump either the Red Sox or Yankees out of the wildcard spot. Go Detroit.

Jasper over at WV has discovered the GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER CREATED. I’m perpetually in awe of his ability to master the internet tubes. Mostly for his ability to pull such young tail.

Here's your pic:




One Thing I Know for a Fact:
If Megadeth can make yet another comeback then why not Gary Glitter?

I JUST MADE WATER IN MY PANTALOONS






People! A new discovery has been made THE AMAZING SCREW ON HEAD is here! If you enjoy the Venture Brothers, Hellboy and other odd humorous creations this is for you. If you prefer the Simple Life and American Idol.....this is still for you! Click the link and check out the pilot, the whole things there just be patient between those dips to black (where those wonderful ads will go if it gets picked up!) Also take the Sci-Fi survey to rave all about it so they make more. It's all based on a Mike Mignola (made Hellboy) One shot and looks like one of his books brought to life. It's even got Paul Giamatti and Patton Oswalt......what's not to like.

BEST FRIENDS 4EVER





Yep, the Lone Ranger and Tonto are back in the funny books again, although no Joe R. Lansdale and Tim Truman this time, Where Tonto looks upon the Ranger as a bit of a tool. Nope, the fellas workin' on this series are going for a more Deadwood/Once Upon a Time in the West vibe here. If it's anything like the work on the current Johna Hex or Loveless, it could be mighty fine.

Oh! I hear the Ice Cream man a comin'. Off to get me a dilly bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST LOOKING FOR A HEARTBEAT



Can you believe it? The first review for Miami Vice is in and it's POSITIVE!!! How can this be? It doesn't even use the sweet pounding theme by Jan Hammer (prounounced Yan, you know makes it sound less girly). Well critics say what they will but it's still a dollar show at the Dirt Mall. That and X-3 the Last Squirt. September can't come soon enough for my wallet.

UPDATE

Milos Foreman succeeds where Mike Nichols failed and failed miserably. Natalie Portman's doing nude scenes in a film. Finally. Nevermind. False Alarm.

MTV is all about music. How do I know? Besides the name, they do things like host :40 second clips of new music, because kids attention spans theses days suck. So, if you're interested in the new Killers single, here's 40 seconds of it.

So, Jamie Kennedy from "Son of Mask" fame releases an album today. Why? Because you love Rollin' w/Bob Saget if for no other reason than the "g'night michelle" at the end.

It's taking too long for me to figure out what I'm trying to say here, so fuck it. I'm boring myself so I'm probably boring you as well.

Enjoy:

WHAT MORE NEEDS TO HAPPEN PEOPLE?!!!

I don't get it. Maybe it's the state of the world, our country's embrace of the aim low/expect less culture (Simple Life, Larry the Cable Guy, etc). It could be Rachel Ray's Down Syndrome-like skull has put each and every one of you into a stupor. No matter the reason you need stop drinking the Kool Aid, read a book and watch Tom Goes To the Mayor.

Why? Well aside from breaking past the one-note jokes that have become the majority of the Adult Swim line up (Venture Brothers and Robot Chicken the exception to the rule) the last two episodes featured Gary Busey as a pre teen wrestling coach and Robert Loggia as a Waterbed salesman. That's right, Robert fucking Loggia! Casting alone makes this show funnier than three entire seasons of Mind of Menica and watching a drunken co-ed fall off a roof while flashing her joy cans.

We now return you to your needless purchasing of tube tops on Overstock.com; but first, a little piece of American craftsmanship. Ah ignorance, the one industry our Nation can still master.




"That would look right classy on my belt-'em-up buckle when I'm poundin' the misses to that new Travis Tritt album."

WHAT KIND OF PIRATES ARE WE?

The Pirate may be back in fashion now but you know who else can make millions of dollars at the movies?

You guessed, NINJAS! You don't even need dialouge just a bunch of dudes in black pajamas killing people and fliping out while breaking shit. Check the web there all over the place. People are craving a Ninja flick like a fat man craves Chicken Shack (best fuckin' chicken in Detroit.)

Anywho, here's what a ninja thinks of that pirate movie.

TOM WAITS FINALLY GOT MY NOTE!

Mr. Waits is coming to Detroit for the first time in maybe 20 years. Tickets are $72 bones and unlike Tool, it's worth every penny.

Come on over to the Detroit Opera House on August 11th and say hi to your friend Latte. Later we'll have a whiskey and talk about boys.

Good times. Good times.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH! REVIEW o' THE DEAD MAN's CHEST

I'm going to try to make this minimal and post modern.

The Good:
Keira Knightley....wet in the first five minutes (Thank you baby Jesus).
Johnny Depp shooting at a monkey and pretty much running away from everyone.
Flesh eating natives.

The Bad:
A villian who is underwritten and undefined.
Too much Orlando Bloom, not enough Captain Jack.
Way too much story, none of it all that interesting.

The Ugly:
A giant squid that near the end has the worse Special Effects since 1983 (rear projection, really? what is this Superman III?).
A cliffhanger ending.
The fat women sitting next to me at the theater (if lifting popcorn makes you breathe that heavy, eat a salad Hose-Beast).

In fact when nearing the end think this one thing: The Han Solo moment. It might help you get over the cheated feeling half the theater had when I went. Also don't stay for the credits unless you think dogs are awesome. Listen to me on this, why not talk to a girl or shop lift. You'll be better off.

Part Three will be the true test. If you fuck up Chow Yun Fat as a pirate, you don't deserve to do the coke off your Development girl's snatch.

Just some scraps before the weekend hits:

Rocky 6 trailer makes the idea of staring at Paris Hilton's snatch for 2 hours the lesser of two vomit inducing evils. (h/t dlisted)

Robert Downey Jr. is penning his memoirs. I'm guessing it will be like "A Million Little Pieces" but with court documents to back it up.

Justin Timberlake took his mouth away from Cameron Diaz's diseased crotch long enough to record an album that he says is like "David Bowie and David Byrne covering James Brown". You decide. (Put your mouth back where it belongs Justin. Stay away from the microphone.)

Out now, Johnny Depp makes you moist, and if you're out check out A Scanner Darkly. Then let me know whether it's worth seeing. Movies cost money and I'm broke.

One final note: if you're in the Ann Arbor, MI area on Saturday, come out to the Electric Six show and buy Armen and I a beer.



One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Detroit likes to get blown out.

DUDE!





You just got TESHED!!!!

DE-LAYED.

White collar crime lost a poster boy today. Kenny Lay has died of a massive heart attack (yep, even Money Grubbing Cyborgs have 'em now). Reports don't say it was during a massive 72 hour Grandma rape but we at the staff of 'Pants' know better.


Pour your finest 30 year old Scotch on the tennis court for this credit to the Upper Crust. Here is a picture of Ken during happier times.



To make matters worse upon entering the Afterlife, Mr. Lay was robbed of some prime beach front property.


It appears he has been classified as a 'Hoarder'. Yet another injustice for Corporate America. C'mon Satan, look at this guy! Clearly he can be deamed Wrathful too (well, as long as it has clubs that keep the Jews and the street people away)!


Fear not Kenny for we shall overcome some day.

PEACE OUT.

Dance Monkey, DANCE!

Yeah, we missed any sort of patriotic, or sarcastically patriotic blogs. We didn't look down our noses at America, nor did we make redneck jokes about hands being blown off due to fireworks/alcohol/darwin. I have no regrets. I got to hear lattejesus yell "I wanna see REAL Jennifer Aniston rape! This is bullshit!" PAO had a great break. Hope you did too. Here's what we missed:

Tastefest courtesy of Jasper at Webvomit.

The Space Shuttle Discovery launched despite warnings from top NASA Admin.

Johnny Cash has released a posthumous album containing his final work.

God Bless America:


One Thing I Know For a Fact:
David Hasselhoff wants you to know who he is.

SUPERMAN RETURNS REVIEWS

Okay so it took me two viewings to give a proper review of this movie but, hey I've been waiting years for this flick. My expectations of this film were pretty high. Anyway, my first reaction to it was, the movie flys by until the end and then it seemed to slow down a bit. Wasn't to sure what to make of the film. After seeing it a second time it really works for me as a whole now.
My geek complex that I have to this very day is owed to Richard Donner's Superman The Movie. For some it might have been Star Wars, but for me Superman stuck in my head like a tumor that grew over time into cartoons, tv shows, movies and comics. Superman was my bridge to escapist entertainment.

That's why even during a second viewing of SR, once that music plays and the flying credits come on it's like being five again. Which is the reaction that I've heard from lots of people that are familar with the first Superman film. Now it's Bryan Singer's turn and he's done an excellent job of keeping what worked with the first two films and taking the character to new ground. The cast for this film were great, Brandon Routh pulls of Superman/Kal-el/Clark Kent perfectly. There's been a ton of comparison's to Reeve, which is similar but, there both just playing the character to me. Spacey is great as Luthor and despite what people see in the trailer isn't camping it up like Hackmen. Just wait till you see the Kryptonite shiv, you'll know what I'm talking about. Bostworth, I didn't mind as Lois Laine, it'd be nice to see a bit more dimension with here in the next film though.

The plot? Well it's a superhero movie so of course it involves end of the world event but with the idea of beach front property this time. This film is really more about where these characters are at now and where there headed to. But, of course Luthor is the trigger for what happens in the film.

Which leads me to the action/effects. FREAKIN' SWEET! Sure X-men and Spider man delivered cool effects but nothin' beats watching Superman fly, it's just cool. The effects are added to by the situations they are used in as well. Singer builds up tension as he waits for the last possible mintue, just before a bullet hits or somebody is about to become street pizza. Superman rockets in to save there bacon and in style no less. There's also a great homage to Action Comics #1, Superman's first appearance.

Now I'm not gonna spill the beans about the end but it does slow up a bit but for the sake of coming full circle from where Superman II left off. Which is pretty cool actually.
Since everythings wrapped up from those films and something new has been established you get the sense that the next films will continue to push forward. For now though Superman Returns.....

Thumbs up!

WELL SOMEONE NEEDS TO EAT HIS WORDS


Yep I'm a douche. I rolled my eyes at SUPERMAN RETURNS and it kicked me square in the balls and made me watch both RUSH HOUR films (I no longer fear death or the six hour version of 'Lake House'). In a limp defense of my early opinions the trailers for this flick (with the exception of the teaser) sucked. Yet SUPERMAN RETURNS was a fine summer flick, popcorn cinema at its best. It made me feel like a little kid again and Christ I'm a jaded, laid-off advertising hack who makes skull-fucking jokes every 45 seconds! When you get at me, you done good Mr. Singer.

Kevin Spacey for once in his life takes it down a notch and Parker Posey had my ass laughing more than it should have (I love a drunk, loopy chick). I have to say a couple of negatives, Kate Bosworth brings nothing to the show with her lack of emotion and/or expressions and the last 35 minutes? Jesus, be a little LESS earnest (its a Singer film and his 3rd acts always get a bit clunky as X1 and X2 shows)!!! Still the approach, style and love of the first two films shows through. It's a great companion piece and a reason to give this Boy Scout in tights another shot at the big time.

I have to wonder what would have happened to the Star Wars prequels if Lucas simply outlined the story and gave the screenplay and direction decisions to Gen X'ers like Mr. Bryan Singer, David Fincher and Luc Besson (c'mon you love The Professional and The Fifth Element). Hurts doesn't it fan boy?

Oh and this whole debate on 'Is Superman Queer?'. No. Wolverine is. Hey, don't get mad my friends. You made X3 a hit thus telling Fox it's okay to film a comic book movie without a concrete script or a decent director. The Wolvie spin-off you want so damn much will now be written on the fly and directed by either the asshole who gave you Ultraviolet or Joel Schumacher. Dig in pelt monkeys, the shit fest begins!!!!!!