And it keeps getting better and better......


To continue on my kick of hyping movies that don't have a hope in Hell of making coin I give you the new website for the 2nd greatest Western coming out this year.

Yes it has Brad Pitt and an Affleck (easy, its the younger one), but it also has Sam Rockwell, Zooey Deschanel and Ted "It Puts the Lotion in the Basket" Levin to balance the weaker elements of casting.


Needless to say I'm confident. Added bonus: it's the same director that gave us 'Chopper'. Never seen that film you say? Well giddy up partner and rent it right the fuck now. Better yet watch it with your girlfriend.......she'll love it! Unless she's a cock guzzling whore. Either way you win. Isn't that what really matters?


Also ROADHOUSE 2 comes out on July 18th (to DVD..what you thought to a theather? Honky please!). It has the fag from 'That Thing You Do' and JAKE BUSEY. In my book that gives the film 1 out of 2 so far. Begin the countdown Jack Bauer for IT.....IS.......ON!


Peace, Love and an endless supply of Red Hots and Gin:

~Latte

Out yesterday. You should have purchased it yesterday. Download the first single: Mojo. Then go to your indie music store and pretend you didn't forget.
Run along whipper snappers, before you can no longer say "Peeping Tom? I bought that when it came OUT. You're so 2006."

REMINDER

The third season of Rescue Me starts tonight at 10pm on FX (Your welcome Ruperht). If you enjoy watching a show where at the end of every episode you say to yourself "Damn, at least my life is nowhere near that fucked up!" Then this series is perfect for you!

GREAT! NOW HOW DO I GET A COPY OF ROGER CORMAN'S
FANTASTIC FOUR????


Guess you can only wear these suits if your involved in a raid now.


Wow this updated article on the Motor City Comic Con raid, really makes me feel for the MPAA. Maybe now they'll finally get it together and get Monster Squad out on dvd so this kind of stuff stops happening. Although, I'm sure people would still love to plop down 20 bucks to see some fat ass dealer get taken down for selling bootleg copies of Sea Quest.

I'm back and I've had too much coffee.

For those of you who have always wanted to own your own Atlas Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Silo, get it while it’s hot.

This kid has awesome video game ideas. Secret ninja/pirate working for the government? Cars that shoot sharks? I love it. Sign me up. (I think this might have influenced him.)

So, VH1 has become my new mecca of all things AWESOME. Things that sound like bad ideas that become hilarious train wrecks. You watch because you just can’t turn away. My latest fave? Supergroup. Combine the powers of the drummer of Foreigner, the guitar player from Anthrax, bass player from Biohazard and the singer from Skid Row, throw in Ted Nugent because he’s an obnoxious asshole and you have HILARITY! And in the previews they keep showing the Biohazard bass player TOTALLY decking Sebastian Bach.


ROCK!!


One Thing I Know For a Fact: Sometimes airsick bags have holes in them. Sometimes.

SIMPSON ATTACKED BY LADY WITH EXPENSIVE RIPPED PANTS


A PAO EXCLUSIVE!

Seems while visiting Luna in Royal Oak, Michigan the other day Jessica Simpson was attacked by a woman with torn jeans. Simpson claims she was having a drink only to turn around and hear "I'm gonna get you in the baby shooter!" We can only assume where the attacker meant to strike, yet a good right hook was landed in Simpsons eye. "I don't know what I did to provoke this woman but......seriously, WTF???" exclaimed Simpson. "Last time I ever come to Grand Rapids Ohio to help retarded kids." By the time the police made the scene the attacker had already fled. However, a photo of the woman was taken by Simpson's, musically challenged sister. Should anyone see this woman please notify someone who cares.

DIAPERS AND MOTORCYCLES

Does this guy seem like a spirit of vengance to you? If they have Ghost Rider talk, there has to be a seen in a store, where he says "I'll be taking these huggies." Then flames out of the store with his fresh 12pack!

THESE SUMMER MOVIES ARE BUMMING ME OUT.

I gotta admit it. I'll watch just about anything on a dare unless it features puffy pants, chicks sharing 'moments' close to the point of spewing blood out of their treasure troves or anything starring Jimmy Fallon.

Lately the summer movie season is leaving me bored. Trailers that I don't jizz over or even have the urge to mock. Maybe I'm in a bad head space, maybe its the paint I'm huffing but I could give two shit covered fucks about X3 and Superman the more trailers they push out to the internet.

Things I know I will NEVER tire of:

Drinking Alone
Dating Below the Food Chain
Waffle Houses

and Anti-Westerns.

Nick Cave wrote a screenplay and some poor son of a bitch decided to film it. My whiskey bottle is marking down the days for The Proposition.

Sometimes life corn holes you and wipes shit on your face. Yet sometimes...just sometimes it leaves you cab fare and a phone number.

Keep hope alive party people. I've got mine on layaway until I nail that Fluffer job down by the quarry.

WHHHHHS OOOHHH TBUUHHH






First Deadwood and now possibly Preacher! HBO really wants my money and they will get it if this happens.

Preacher was one of the greatest comics ever written. Irish vampires, arsefaced kids, bounty hunter chicks, People who fuck cakes, a retarded relative of the J man himself, what's not to like? Do yourself a favor, go buy the trades and have a swell time.

YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!!!! WELL....MAYBE NOT?



TRAILOR #3

HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED A MONKEY?

What a great way to start a weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Planet of snot

Ugh. Wicked cold. It hurts my lungs to sneeze. TO SNEEZE! For fucks sake. Not that you care, nor should you. I wouldn’t. Anyhow, I’ve been asked by management to take a time out for about a week or so. I’d written a long post entitled “Searching for Optimus Prime” about the state of our government, and assigned characters to politicians (I’m not going to tell you who Star Scream was and who was Replay). Anyhow, bottom line, I’ve been told that I’m writing too much while fucked up on cold medicine. (true, true.)
So, if you see me hanging out somewhere, feel free to buy me a drink and tell me how much you miss me.
Before I clock out for the week, I have a couple of treats for you.

The Da Vinci Code is not well liked so far. (“A jumbled, joyless affair that neither entertains nor enlightens”.)

The guitar player you DON’T care about from Guns n’ Roses joined the band for three songs. Whooopee.

Austin City Limits Festival: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Van Morrison, Gnarls Barkley, Aimee Mann, The Raconteurs, the freshly Webvomit hyped The Secret Machines and… SPARTA?? Really? Awesome. I love it.




One Thing I Know For a Fact:
The word of the day is “gunt”. I’m not giving a definition. Use your damn imagination.

RIP: DC ANIMATED SERIES








Cartoon Network aired the last Justice Leauge episode Saturday night. After jerking it around all season long, taking it's sweet ass time airing only 13 episodes. Surly to be replaced by some horrid bug-eyed anima shit, that there brain washing kids with these days. CN's lucky they've got the Venture Brothers, otherwise kids would be totally screwed.

BLOW JOBS CAN BE BORING:
Flick Reviews, 'THE HOUSE OF D' & 'THE BROWN BUNNY'

So the 'headliners' of this site came over to my place to review my performance. To translate this means I got them shit-faced and they picked the flicks to watch as they rubbed their 'inner parts' all over my furniture.

THE HOUSE OF D

I'm saying it. THE X-FILES SUCKED!!!!!! BOR-FUCKING-RING!!!!!! Even the Bruce Campbell episode had me asleep halfway through and I watch Canadian TV!!!!! Attention David Duchovny: your career is over; eat the .45 now for you sir are a hack. Kudos for conning some num-nutted studio ass-prod into green lighting this flick though. Oh by the way, that sound you hear is the final nail being driven into your career's coffin.

This film was picked for the love of bad movies that attempt to 'understand' the retarded. How bad is it????? Horrible. How funny does that make it? Better than any 'Scary Movie' flick for sure. Add in narration that is as ham-handed as an after-school special and PRESTO! Instant crap classic.

THE BROWN BUNNY

Thankfully there was NOT much in the way of dialogue. In fact NOTHING really happened. Mr. Vincent Gallo is an ugly fuck and I have to give him credit for at least being able to score more strange than me (and on film no less) but on the other hand I hope his cock eats his ego then sets him on fire as a tribute to 'The Burning Bed'.

I can't really review this movie aside from saying Chloe Sevigny is lucky to be even 12 inches away from Bill Paxton's cock. Seriously, the blow job scene was so boring I thought it was a replay of my last batch of girlfriends. Vincent Gallo I say this, CRABS are too good for you.

Well it looks like this glass beside me still has some booze. An artist's work is never done.

Hi Ho Faggots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

* Bulliet Bourbon Whiskey is not a willing sponsor of this post but is happy the writer used our product to help produce such a stain on humanity. Drink up America!!!!!

Joss Whedon - he's a funny guy!

COCKSUCKER HBO! COCKSUCKER!!

And now, fat guys boxing...

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE


Good news for us and you! The trailer for Micheal Bay's live action TRANSFORMERS movie is up NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

What r u waiting 4?????

I know, 2 posts in one day from the same boring blogger. You're probably thinking: OMG! WTF? POS!!
But I found this article about the first Windsor Police Constable to be shot in killed in their entire 120 year history is fascinating to me. My first reaction was: LOSERS. Here in Detroit murdering Police officers ranks right up there with getting a slurpee in the heirarchy of noticable news.
But then I thought: have I become so jaded that instead of longing to live in a world only a bridge or tunnel drive away where crime is minimal and A murder is news is something to be ridiculed as opposed to something to strive for? In this world where humanity and human life take a backseat to corporations, profits and self interest, in a world where man is five, the devil is six and god is seven, in a world where Rocky continues to be a marketable franchise, isn't it nice to think about living in a place where you don't just shrug when you hear about someone being killed.
And then I thought: my underwear is kind of tight. And I think i got some dorito crumbs stuck in there somewhere. I bet the orange powder will look funny when I take a shower tonight. I probably shouldn't take a picture though. So difficult to get contrast in that light.

Roll Out!

From what I can tell this video clip has something to do with a LIVE ACTION JAPANESE ANIME show. Really? Live action? Musical? Japan can do ANYTHING. So I beg you, all of Japan, please, please, I’m dying for Transformers on Ice. With Star Scream jumping through fire hoops to “You Got the Touch”. (Come on, click on the link. You know you need the song.)




One Thing I Know For A Fact:
Sylvester Stallone still thinks he can box.

UPDATE: Hollywood is still completely out of ideas.

And IRAN, IRAN so far awaaaaay....


Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a little letter to our President today offering "suggestions" on how to better get our two countries talking it out. I guess it must have involved the Bush twins giving it to a double headed dildo full of C4 'cuz the White House is none too happy.

Well Mr. President, let me offer you some insight. Look here at Mr. Ahmadinejad.



Now, check this shit out!



Yep.....same damn dude! Now I figure since movies and real life are one and the same to you and your Administration you have two options:

1) Fuck Maui's kid sister, that shit will make him crazy! Better yet get Tony Snow to do it. If he gets plugged you can always shop at Fox News for more talking heads.

2) Have him cross the fuckin' Columbians. You know when you do that its curtains for your ass, Kate and Ally!

Remember you are dealing with a terrorist who only has two things in this life: his word and his BALLS. He doesn't break them for anyone.

Tell Condi thanks for the weed and the ass play on Friday. Cinco De Ho, if you know what I mean!!!!

The Devil is a motherfuckin' liar, so you know I ain't worried, beeyotch.

GOOD TO KNOW!




The same should be done for people. As well as being spade and neutered.

BEFORE THE SUPER HERO MOVIE SUCKFEST TAKES OVER


So yeah, Superman Returns? Don't ask me, not down with the Caped dude since I turned ten. X3, making a script as you film? What a great idea! Hell even most porn directors have a vague idea of where the man chowder will hit.

I do have hope for one project and its name is Wonder Woman.

Do I know much about the character? Nope. Was I ever into her? Aside from a "lasso of truth" spankfest scenario on a lazy Sunday drive, not really. Yet when you have fan boy extraordinaire, geek scribe and master of the super powered female Joss Whedon on the job I'll invest some faith in the project.

The script is currently being rewritten after producer notes. Not a bad thing, but this delays casting. So before Hollywood fucks this up and grabs a member of the OC as the lead, allow me to suggest the following dear fans, Miss Morena Baccarin.



Not only has she worked with with Whedon on two projects, she's you know not totally horrid to look at. Oh yeah, she can also ACT (sorry Kate Bosworth fans).

Just putting it out there. Now back to the handjobs and resumes.

SURE, YEAH.... WERE JUST GIVING FANS WHAT THEY WANT


My theory is simple, Lucas has one true goal in life. To secure all of the money in the world.
You watch, he claims they'll be no more Star Wars movies, but what better way to achieve that goal than episodes 7,8,9,10,11,12 and a tv series, with more toys. I give him another five years before he buys Australia and turns it into the worlds first country sized Star Wars theme park. This guy will be taking tickets.

Get up! (get on up!)

I guess some people with a lot of free time and some money sometimes stamp messages on their loot. This website highlights some of the better efforts. But my question is about one in particular:



What do you mean “No Lorenzo”? Lorenzo Lamas is THE MAN! I suggest if you have the means and the free time that you purchase one of these and have the customized message read one of the following “Forever Lorenzo” or “Snakeeater rules you”. He’s sweeter than Chuck Norris (there, I fucking said it) and deserves the respect you’d give someone who has done not one, not two, but THREE Snakeeater movies!!!

Today is James Brown’s birthday (big number 73), and if he hadn’t made so much music that I love I’d probably make a joke about drugs, kidnapping, evading police and trying to get a young cameraman from a local Augusta, GA tv station to steal an antiquated video tape deck for him. But he wrote “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” and he introduced the world to Bootsy Collins. So, much love for the Godfather of Soul.


One Thing I Know For a Fact:
The Detroit Tigers record is better than: the Boston Red Sox, the New York Yankees, the New York Mets, the Atlanta Braves, the Houston Astros and Colorado Rockies (laugh but they’re 1st in their division). They would be in 1st place in four other divisions. This would be a hopeful sign, but: 1. They’re going to tank and 2. If they DON’T tank, they’re going to miss the playoffs because of the division they’re in. Whatever, I’m just happy they’re playing competitive baseball.

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
SUPERMAN RETURNS TRAILER

This album is worth your time. And it releases today. Go buy it.
Tasty Tool treat.

UPDATE:
Someone's taken our ball and run with it, so to speak.