MOVIE REVIEW(s): HOSTEL & BRICK

You know what I love about buzz? Its all talk and NO action. Like a co-ed just trying to get you to throw some money her way at the bar. You envision hot sex while "rockin' it" on your best Captain Power sheets to find the only thing that has found relief was all the green stuff in your wallet. Yeah 'Hostel' is kinda like that. I was promised a horror movie where horny frat boys get a taste of Eastern European torture. What did I get? 10 minutes of disturbing, 40 minutes of 'Porky's Goes International', 15 minutes of escape movie, 20 minutes of 'tension' and a really dull 5 minutes o' revenge. Fake boobs are boring after seeing about 15 pairs of them. A guy getting his throat cut by his own Dave Matthews CD? Fucking comic gold, padre!!!

Now 'Brick' is a film that takes a high end concept (in this case High School angst meets 40's film noir) follows through on it and even swallows!!!!! If you have seen flicks like 'Double Indemnity', 'The Maltese Falcon' or even the classic gangster update 'Millers Crossing' you know the stock characters. The change of setting does well for the genre so even if you see where the trip is going, its still a great ride. Plus the protagonist kicks some ass in creative ways that would do Sam Spade and my favorite boozer Jim Rockford proud (Magnum was a fag).

That's all that's fit to print. Tell your Dad thanks for Rib Eye Steak and the Hummer. That hits the spot after watching the 'While You Were Out' marathon on HGTV.

GET YOUR NERD ON

"This is why you stay at home on Friday nights"

When your the Sci-fi Channel and you finally have a show people really watch rather than mock, what do you do? MILK IT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH!

Why even have a Motor City Comic Convention if Warwick Davis can't make it? I suppose the combined might of Burt Ward, Adam West, the Batmobile and K.I.T.T. may be enough to pull it off. Check the link for a celebrity that will be there that you just might feel sorry enough for to give them 15 bucks for a signature on some shitty face shot photo that they just so happened to have extra copies of.

If you make it to the Con, I'll be wearing my hand made Superman outfit and digging through the quarter bin's to complete my run of Punisher War Journal. "Swear to God, I'm not stuffing."


Ohhh! Almost forgot. Be sure to bring your camera, there's this kid who brings his mom dressed up in the Princess Liea slave girl outfit. Total MILF!!!!!!
"Wanna touch my mom for 10 bucks?"

Conspiracy Theory Rock

As previously noted, occasionally interesting things other than nipples end up on TV and leave you wondering “How the hell did this ever air?”. Good question. This cartoon aired once on SNL and was subsequently jettisoned in the following re-airings. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that it kicks NBC square in the NUTZ.
(courtesy of Crooks & Liars)

(sniff, sniff). Hmmm, I smell an excuse to get drunk and go to Kentucky that doesn’t involve transporting a minor across state lines for illegal and immoral reasons. Instead it smells like Mardi Gras – Kentucky style. You know, with horses. “Hey, y’all lets go down to Kentucky and get drunk and watch this two minute horse race! Yee-haw! I sure hope we get to gang-bang Jessica Simpson and Nicole Richie ‘gain!”

Boy if there was just some way to rip streaming audio from the internet for free…

We (P.A.O. writers) live in Detroit and are affected greatly by the auto industry, so this next bit may bore you. FORD MOTOR COMPANY HAS HIT THE “HOLY SHIT IT’S TIME TO PANIC” BUTTON. How do I know this? Layoffs? Nope. Supplier cost reduction. Nope. Ford is producing a reality TV show. Maybe. They’re pitching it, but that shows you where their heads are at.





One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Rock over London... Rock on Chicago

SUCK MY WHAT????


Jeeze, I'm totally flabbergasted by this. Radio station chains taking money to play shitty music, this has to be total bukkake!

Well it sure does explain the deal with Nickelback......

...Who the fuck would request one of there songs???? Surely nobody in America!

10,007 Days

Some exciting things coming around soon:

As previously noted, Tool is doing a short tour, I’m guessing as a tune up for a world wide tour behind the new album “10,000 Days” set to release on May 2nd.  I will be buying that album that day.
To hold you over, here’s footage of them doing a Ramones cover in NYC.  Enjoy.

Also, in hilarious news, Alice in Chains will be doing some U.S. shows.  If I’m reading this right, they’ll also be doing a new album, and if I’m not mistaken they’re asking the guy from Godsmack to do a track.  Well, fuck it, at this point why not?

In a continuation of hilarious news – further confirmation that Billy Corgan has decided to re-name his solo project “Smashing Pumpkins”.  Note that although the drummer is on board, the rest of the band remains unheard from.  Hmmm.

If you’re in New York on May 14th you should probably check out the one and only scheduled performance of General Patton vs. the X-ecutioners.

So far United 93 seems to be getting good reviews.  This still creeps me out.

Anyhow, that’s all for now fellow pantkateers.

MOVIE REVIEW: ULTRAVIOLET


Think TRON with a very, very false promise of TITS and ASS shots. But you know.... more gay.

Hollywood has now given us the very first movie focus grouped by a room full of sugar sensitive retarded monkeys. The future only looks brighter from here boys.

What the fuck is wrong with Russia?

DEAR APPLE,


We had some goodtimes right? Interfacing while sharing and playing music, going for long walks down the street, discovering new bands. It's been quite the experience and I've treasured our time together but.......well, ya see......how do I put this....there's no easy way so I'll just say it
I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE.



Although it's been nice you have to admit, you don't play well with others and you can be very possesive when it comes to sharing. Not to mention you can be a real high maintenance bitch to. Your constant demand of accessories just to do simple tasks...it's bullshit! Everybody thinks your great and all but they'll see like I did, they can do better than you. Zen Vision M does all the things that I wish you could do.

Anyways, you can have itunes and ipod.

Take care of yourself.

Armen

YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A MANSQUITO



And it looks like he's about to get some!


As I Am Kung Fu refered to in his post below, there has been more than one instance of male nudity at a rock show. Sure there's no reason to fear the penis but there's a time and a place to see it (such places may included, your bathroom, your bedroom, Danny's, you see where I'm going with this?). Any who were going to give you some advise that's going to make you say "hey, pantsareoptional's got my back, those guys are only half the douche bags I thought they were."

If you ever see the name HATEWORK posted on a ticket of a show your attending or on the marquee of a venue or your friend who says at the show "Yeah, I think HATEWORK is the opening band"

DO THE FOLLOWING:

Show up late to the show, go to the bar, hang out in the mens room of the venue, close your eyes, ask the girl standing next to you to take her shirt off, do anything but LOOK AT THE STAGE!! Otherwise you will see full frontal (and backtal) male nudity.

And ladies, I know you'd rather see some boobies than a wang so this goes double for you.

Planet of The Sounds

Jeez. Zounds. Holy man, where to begin. Pabst? Crowd? Nudity? Dance songs? Check. Where to start?
Okay, here’s how it began. I’ve never heard of Action Action, Morningwood or The Sounds, yet I found myself at the concert at St. Andrews Hall tonight. Okay. So, showing up forty minutes after doors open is a bad idea. We were one of maybe fifteen people there for the show. Pabst. $4.00 for a pint. Gin and tonic, $4.00. Yeesh. Went with the Pabst anyhow.
Action Action opened the show, and they sound like everyone else on the damn planet.
Morningwood. Okay. I’d heard one of their songs (The nth Degree) before, and thought “ahh, sugary power pop with chick singer.”. Wrong. What I failed to pick up was their desire to sound like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs if Karen O couldn’t sing very well and their drummer went all Def Leppard. Here’s the magic. Just when you think you’re bored and you want them to leave the stage, the spunky lead singer announces a song about getting naked and asks for people to come up on stage only if they get naked. Well, two young men (boys?) did get up on stage, and for the second time of my life at a rock concert, I have witnessed dick on stage. Holy mackerel, we’re cooking juniper berries now. I think the collected “ewwww” forced Katie Holmes to shit out a baby at just that moment.
With so much going right with this whirling dervish of a show, it seemed as though there was little chance of the night being salvaged.
Before we get into The Sounds, a little background info. They’re from Sweden, they have a female lead singer. She’s attractive. Which led to a debate about what would be the most effective pick up line. "We have some of your delicious candy fish in our car." was selected as the most likely to work. Shut up, we were drunk. The best suggestion was to just charge the stage in the middle of the show, throw her over a shoulder and book it for the exit. Anyhow. Onto the show.
You had me at "Don't Stop, Believing".
I was surprised at how good they were. I actually really enjoyed the show. Before The Sounds walked out on stage the opening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" started playing, and they marched triumphantly on stage to it. That's not just a class act, that's genius.
They were awesome and tight live, and the dance grooves had the fat little lesbians in front of us shaking their asses off. I cheered through the whole show without knowing much in the way of their music. The lead singer sounds like Debbie Harry from Blondie, and they sound like an 80’s dance band. Lots of energy live. Almost made up for being assaulted by the image of naked teenage boys being seared permanently into my skull.
In summary: I would go see The Sounds again. Everyone else can wander out into the wilderness never to be heard from again.
Alright, I’m still drunk and heading to bed.

UPDATE:

Better review and a set list for The Sounds over at Webvomit. As always, first and best with music.

Bill hicks is cooler than Jodeci. It's true.

Proof positive.

Theft is the Opiate of the Masses

So, there’s a nasty rumor going around among fans of the band Tool that someone posted an album labeled as “10,000 Days” which, in fact, is a bunch of garbage to throw fans off of the scent. Fair enough, it’s your music and you should be justly compensated.
But if someone does ACCIDENTLY download what they think is the new Tool album, download THE SINGLE – VICARIOUS and compare it to the one you have. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
Ready for even more exciting Tool news? Where will you be seeing them on tour? I’ll be checking them out at the Fox Theatre in Detroit.

Tool tour dates, according to the band's publicist:

• 5/2 - Seattle, WA @ Paramount Theatre


• 5/4 - Oakland, CA @ Paramount Theatre


• 5/5 - Las Vegas, NV @ Hard Rock Hotel and Casino - The Joint


• 5/6 - Tempe, AZ @ Gammage Auditorium


• 5/8 - Dallas, TX @ McFarlin Auditorium


• 5/10 - Denver, CO @ Temple Buell Theatre


• 5/11 - Kansas City, KS @ Memorial Hall


• 5/12 - Minneapolis, MN @ Orpheum Theatre


• 5/13 - Chicago, IL @ Auditorium Theatre


• 5/15 - Detroit, MI @ Fox Theatre


• 5/16 - Toronto, ON @ Hummingbird Centre


• 5/17 - Upper Darby, PA @ Tower Theatre


• 5/19 - New York, NY @ City Center


• 5/20 - New York, NY @ City Center


• 5/21 - Boston, MA @ Orpheum

UPDATE!!!!

Are you familiar with Bill Hicks? He was an awesome comedian who was drastically underrated and died way before his time. Almost all of Tool's Aenema is dedicated to him and some of the songs are based on some of Hick's rants. Which is why this is exciting news to me. New Bill Hicks DVD to be released!

SURE, WHY NOT?


I think the people are ready for this.

Why didn't Lorenzo Lamas eat a snake like this in the Snake Eater trilogy?

Pearl Jam - Karma Chameleon

I’m old. Probably too old to be blogging in any way shape or form. When I was younger there were the two big pillars of grunge: Nirvana and Pearl Jam. Some people liked both, but no one in my circle of friends. In a decision that was born in part of intense and unadulterated hatred for a kid wearing a Pearl Jam shirt, I dove head first into Nirvana and never looked back. Looking back now, I think I made the right choice.
Tonight on SNL Lindsay Lohan guest hosted, with musical guest Pearl Jam. I’ve been out of touch with Pearl Jam for quite some time, and only hear their latest music on accident. Tonight, I made the effort to actually pay attention to the music, without my usual bad attitude.
Pearl Jam listen to way too many Who albums.
Don’t get my wrong, I like The Who, I think they’re an amazing band. It’s just that I like it when The Who does their music, not their music as re-interpreted by Eddie Vedder and company.
This actually comes as no surprise to me, as NME gave us a heads up to The Who/Pearl Jam comparison almost a month ago. But then again how many times have you read an article pre-release where there are claims a band is going back to form, or they’re getting heavier or in the case of St. Anger that they’re getting “darker and scarier” only to be horribly disappointed/terribly amused. So, good looking out NME, you’re proving to be much more reliable than those toads over at Pitchfork.
Anyhow, that’s my old man rant for the night. Tomorrow’s plans include yelling at kids to get off my damn lawn, and offering people hard candy. Also I’ll start sentences with “You know, when I was young, ________ only cost ______”.

TONY SCOTT: Please fucking kill yourself. An open letter more than a film review.

So the staff of this fine piece of interinfo-maintainment (like that don't you?) took me out for eats and drinks in my undisclosed location. In a pre-drunken haze a movie was needed to avoid someone talking about feelings, sores on genitals or other things dudes should just not talk about. So close to the NHL play-offs us Midwestern boys get sensitive, it isn't a crime.

DOMINO was picked up. Yes the buzz I had heard was bad but we were DRINKING. Other reasons:

1) Keira Knightley
2) Keira Knightley with knives
3) Keira Knightley cocking a shotgun
4) Keira Knightley firing two AR-5 Assault rifles
5) Shots of Keira Knightley's ass
6) Shots of Keira Knightley's boobs

I sort of ramble, let's skip ahead

12) Mickey "don't call it a comeback" Rourke
13) Christopher "I'm my own cliche" Walken
14) Tom Waits in a crazy preacher cameo!!!!
15) Lucy Lui grilling Miss Knightley with that evil little tongue

The first 2/3rds of the film were a delightful mess, then with 30 minutes to go somewhere in the post production process some menstrual fluid hit the editing bay. People talked about feelings, tears fell and I switched from beer to whiskey.

So Mr. Scott I ask you why? Did Michael Bay shoot some of his creative (or lack there of) jism into your brain pan? It's called editing, you and your brother do it all the time, remember that?????

Also if you are putting Miss Knightley and Miss Lui in the same room together it better have black leather, whips or at the very least a wa-wa pedal.

Happy Easter and oh yeah....go fuck yourself!!!!

Okay, I'm not going to say much, except this guys is my hero.

What a great idea.

BEFORE THERE WAS BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN THERE WAS........

It's about fucking time!

Like Fire Fly here's another show that Fox whized all over. I mean come on a western with Bruce Campbell as a Marshall named Brisco County jr. and a horse named comet???
Suck me sideways, that sounds like some good tv to me.

Amazon says it's available for downloa.....to buy July 18th.

Get Some.

There was a time.

Let me start by mentioning this: before MTV, before cable, before Fox Network there were only three networks to choose from (and also PBS) when it came to television entertainment. It's not like shows could run to HBO and air whatever content they desired. That's why it amazes me that in that vacuum a skit like this one starring Dean Martin, Nipsey Russel and Bob Newhart could air.
If you used this same script today, and had Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy it would never air.
Crazy.

Holy 1992 Batman!

It’s Monday, so you know what that means. You know, time to reveal the reformed Alice In Chains/Guns n’ Roses European tour dates. Whaaaaat?
Okay. Basic rule of bands: if your bass player dies or leaves you can go on without a HUGE impact (per Metallica, and even that’s noticeable), same holds true for a drummer or a rhythm guitar player. Losing a lead singer and continuing instantly turns you into a joke. Cases in point? The Doors 2000, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Journey, Motley Crue, Van Halen (fuck Haggar), and so on. Along with these bands we can now include Alice in Chains.
Next week will be the Blind Melon/Johnny Cash tour dates and the week following will be Nirvana/Janis Joplin. I want to thank Alice in Chains for providing that brief bit of the ridiculous that I needed in my day. That’s not to say that if I got free tickets, airline and hotel that I wouldn’t watch that train wreck, I totally would, but that’s not something I’d pay to see.



One Thing I Know For a Fact:
It is very difficult to find a picture of this porn star with her clothes on, and rather uncomfortable to have to edit the photo here at work. But these are the risks I take for you, the adoring public.

There's gonna be a Jailbreak

Gummy Bacon. MMMMM-mmmmm.

This movie looks like it will be awesome. See the trailer for The Notorious Bettie Page.

Okay. I’m terrible with keeping up to date on music. Jasper over at Webvomit does a much better job. He’ll mention something in passing, I’ll have a bad attitude about it, and five months later I’ll shill for it on this site, pretending like I just discovered something. In that vein, We Are Scientists are amazing. Download "Inaction". Then buy it today. You know what, do yourself a favor and click on Jaspers “best of” list buy some of them. He’s typically right on when it comes to music.

Expose yourself to ladies of the pen. HA! This is genius. If I had a money to throw away, I’d torment the shit out of some of these locked up hotties.
“Dear Tina,

My name is I Am Kung-Fu, and I thought I’d write you because you look lonely. So, let’s see. Today I had a fabulous breakfast. Western omelet cooked to perfection with a side perfectly crisp side of bacon and one of the best cups of coffee I’ve ever had. I went for a long walk in the woods behind the yard, and I don’t know that I could have asked for a better day. The wind blew gently as I walked by the stream and I saw a deer! It was GREAT! I can’t describe the air, other than to say I love the smell of the world when lilacs are in bloom and it rained briefly earlier in the morning. It’s just a wonderful feeling. The sun was out while I was walking, and the day was a glorious 72 degrees. It was quite an invigorating morning.

Anyhow, I guess I’m probably boring you. Oh yeah, I jerked off to your picture a minute ago. I had to wipe off the screen. Maybe when you get out I can do that in real life.

All my love,
I Am Kung-Fu.”

Terminator 4 looks to be going into production.

I must break you.

Anyhow, that’s all of got, today. Here’s something for you to chew on.




One Thing I Know For a Fact:
On this day in history in 1963 Tito was made President for Life of Yugoslavia. Later he shot to fame as a member of the Jackson 5. Hmm, maybe that was a different Tito.

In what will probably end up being the exception rather than the rule, MGM is building a permanent casino in Detroit (currently at a temporary location), and a new building will be built. It looks like it'll fit in with Detroit architecture (except it'll be clean, and ummm, not being torn down). I like it.



illustration courtesy of the Detroit News

No rules, just right

Nacho Libre confesses all.

Stephan Colbert is all knowing and all powerful. As tax time approaches he will guide you.

The Onion is funny. Hilarious. Even when they’re taking a dump on my city.


(illustration courtesy of forgotten detroit)

One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Kurt Cobain ended it all 12 years ago today. I’m sure the holding company that bought a portion of the Nirvana publishing rights are drying their weeping eyes with a fresh stack of $100 bills. You know, just like Kurt would have wanted.

WHOSE NUTS? OH, THERE DEE'S NUTS.....WHOSE DEE?


More info on the upcoming Peeping Tom album. Check yourself before you fuck yourself!

(Art provided by an artist)

Now don't be disrespecting Fred Ward, Joel Grey and Wilford "Mutha Fuckin'" Brimley. Although this idea sounds cool. Some people grew up on this shit.Remo Williams: Do you always talk like a Chinese fortune cookie?

Chiun: [striking Remo] Chinese! I am Korean. Korean is the most perfect creature ever to sanctify the earth with the imprint of its foot.

You may already know this, but incase you didn't Courtney Love SUCKS! So, Nirvana will be selling mutual funds......that still rocks, right?

You'll always be "Maverick" to me.

I kind of fucked up my neck at the Electric 6 show on Saturday, and it hasn’t gotten better yet, which has put me in kind of a bad mood. This made me chuckle for a moment and allowed me to be slightly less crotchety. (When you get to the “Death Metal Worksheet” click on deafening. Ah, hilarity.)

How do you become a model for The Mens Special Needs Anti-Strip Nursing Home Jumpsuit? (Updated link. WTF? Did we shut down the Amazon page?) Complete with elastic waste bands and extra secure fasteners to prevent disrobing? Cuz, I want that job. It seems like it’d be interesting. “Okay, for this shot your motivation is that you’re in a nursing home, and dementia has set in. Okay, now, look like you MIGHT disrobe, but do it sexy. Okay, perfect.”

Allright, that’s all I’ve got for right now. I’m an asshole, and if I’m in pain everyone suffers.



One Thing I Know for a Fact:
Tom Cruise’s first acting credit on IMDB is “Endless Love” whereas the porno spoof “Endless Lust” was Ron Jeremy’s 120th credited acting role.

ROCK N' ROLL MONDAY REPORT


Electric Six kicked our asses and ears Saturday night. Stevie Nicks never sounded so good!



In scouting for pic's for this particular blog I came across the Suicide Girls.
Don't know who they are but if I had to guess, they work at a candy store. a yummy....yummy candy store.

This looks funny and this time it's in color!

My lady's night time soaps were on lastnight, one of which is a sequel to General Hospital or something like that. Anyway the important thing here is a patient on the show asked "have I got the best doctor?" and the Doc's response "yes....you've got the best" and that's when it hit me!

A SHOW DESIGNED AROUND KISS! What if when the patient says "do I have the best doctor" Then KISS explodeds into the room and says "You want the best? You've got the best" and they spend the rest of the show curing some ladies breast cancer! And it's not just doctor stuff, it could be rebuilding a home, finding missing people, stopping evil bankers.....it goes on and on. The set up for each show starts with somebody asking for the best and then a poof of smoke and KISS appears as the best solution to solve the problem.

I'm writing ABC, I'll let you know how it goes.

GET SOME!