FUN WITH RICK AND TED!


Not much to report other than the President isn't a fan of speedos, so can anybody guess what these two guys problem is?

My guess, If your going to hide somebody else's fun size snickers,
don't put it down your loincloth.

Feel free to speculate in the comments section.........or not cause typing gives you gas, whatever.

You knew this would happen.
The best VH1 - Behind the Music ever was the Black Crowes. They were awesome in the interview, had great stories and still had a huge love/hate relationship with each other and fame. While discussing the album "Amorica" the Black Crowes recounted the story of an album that was recorded and scratched called "Tall".
Black Crowes - Tall is now available for download.
This proves that anything anyone ever does will eventually be on the internet, which makes me nervous for that sex tape I hope to be making with Scarlett Johansson sometime soon. (Now FHM approved!)

One Thing I Know For a Fact:
This is my new favorite site for the day. But it begs the question, if I type in "askapirate.com" it redirects me to the ask a ninja web page. Does this mean that the ninja's have won?

Getting it right the first time.

Let’s talk about something, kids. Today, let’s discuss the folly of the sequel. The second is almost never as good as the first (except for Breakin’ 2 – Electric Boogaloo). Let’s take a look, shall we?
Gremlins 2
Ghostbusters 2
The Chronicles of Riddick
XXX: State of the Union
Psycho (remake)
The Unforgiven II (oh Metallica…)
Batman Returns
Young Guns 2
I’m just saying it’s a bad idea in general. But the money just weighs too much into it sometimes, and studio executives think “You know, the Cutting Edge probably made us money back in 1992, right? We need a sequel!! Yeah, that’s the ticket!”. You know, if you’re going to do a Cutting Edge sequel, at least give D.B. Sweeney a cameo, like they did for Stasky and Hutch.

And while we’re on the subject of sequels, and getting back to Metallica’s revisit of “The Unforgiven”, if you were in a sweet ass band, say, Queensryche, and you’re still super fucking sweet but no one knew anymore, what would you do? How about one up Metallica by not just making a sequel to a song, but a sequel to a damn ALBUM???? That’s right, Operation Mindcrime II. You can order it now. In the history of terrible ideas by terrible bands, this has got to be the worst.

Sometimes you forget how great the past was. Someone should remake this song. It’s AMAZING.




One Thing I Know For a Fact:

Pitchfork has never and will never get it. They’re too pre-occupied with having more indie cred than you, and refuse to just appreciate an album people will buy.

HOT!

One Thing I Know For a Fact:
I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass

TWO STEPS FORWORD FIFTY STEPS BACK


Just when the comic geeks were able to rear there big round heads in public.....this shit happens.
See you in another twenty society.

Best of the Best

Okay, first the lord giveth, then the lord taketh away, and then giveth again. (Don’t worry, this will all make sense at the end of this post).
So, every year some quality shows that people never really gave a fair shake get dropped (Firefly, Arrested Development, Get a Life, The Family Guy) which gives us something to bitch about regularly. And yet mindless entertainment like “Joey”, “Law and Order”, and “Two and a Half Men” live on FOREVER. And usually, at the start of the fall season people are searching for those one or two good shows that make the dull winter worthwhile.
It appears as if the stars have aligned, and the gods have converged upon next falls television line-up, and I tell ya what, it’s pretty dang exciting. A lot of people we haven’t heard from in a long time are coming to television, and much of it’s deserved, and also Calista Flockhart is getting a show.
The following stars will be on TV in fall (not necessarily on the same shows):
Ted Danson
Anne Heche
David Arquette
Salma Hayek
Fred Willard
Mena Suvari AND Fairuza Balk
Billy Baldwin
Jay Mohr
Andy Richter
John Lithgow
Matthew Perry AND Steven Weber (!) in an Aaron Sorkin production
Here are the jaw dropping revelations:
1st the teaser –
You’ve Reached the Elliots
Chris Elliot plays a husband and father who tries to find a way to spend more time with his family without totally abandoning his modest showbiz career.

I’m excited because Chris Elliot is AWESOME and this has a lot of potential.

2nd the BOMB-
Southern Comfort
A woman is forced to take over the family business when her husband is thrown in jail; she soon finds out that the family business is actually the Dixie Mafia. The series stars Eric Roberts and Madeline Stowe.

THAT’S RIGHT! The gods over at Fox gave us Arrested Development, strangled it to death, and abandon its carcass and now are giving us ERIC FUCKING STAR ’80 ROBERTS in what appears to be one of those bad ideas that end up to be great ideas, like “I’m With Busey”. It feels like someone went to Fox and said “Hey, how about we do something kind of like Arrested Development, BUT we make it a drama AND hire Eric fucking star ’80 Roberts.” And Fox was like “That’s a crazy idea. CRAZY GOOD!! Shit yes!!! Call Eric, bring him in!”

Oh god, it’s only March. I. Can’t. Fucking. Wait.

WHO WANTS TO WATCH A WATCHMEN MOVIE?
Saw V for Vendetta, which is one of the few Alan Moore books I haven't read. It wasn't bad but after reading this, I gotta read it now. Before it seemed like it might be cool to see a Watchmen flick in the right hands but, maybe not so much now. Oh well, Baywatch the movie is in prodution, it's pretty much the same thing, right?

Et tu?

So, I know what you’re thinking (believe me, I’m married and I’m the master of this); you’re wondering what Jean Claude Van Damme has been up to, and rightly so. He’s an American (by way of Belgium) treasure, and all of his endeavors and projects should be celebrated with great fan fare and much revelry. And assplay. Well, great news everybody, turns out he’s got another movie coming straight to video soon, and someone at "Ain't it Cool News" actually saw AND reviewed this modern day classic. I am so excited I can barely contain my boner. Good thing I’m wearing my very durable Lee jeans today.

I haven’t decided yet whether this is the saddest of greatest thing I’ve ever seen. This is what I imagine the David Lee Roth Vegas act will look like in five years.

I guess they’re waiting for Angelina Jolie to squirt out a baby before going into production on Sin City 2. At least according to this site.

Apparently Jack Black has apparently found his one true lady to fuck gently.

If you watched VH1’s Flavor of Love starring Flava Flav of Public Enemy, this site has the funniest and best break down of the show. If you missed, you missed a glorious train wreck.



One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Today is the Ides of March, which literally means “the middle of March”, but today’s a bad day if you happen to be Julius Caesar (Psycho music starts playing, and then the stabbing).

One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Happy Birthday to me. Now who's going to be my secretary tonight?? I'm making a list and checking it twice. What I'm trying to say is, Maggie, call me.

SOUTH PARK JUST GOT L ROND!

Does this mean they'll be a sequel to Battlefield Earth? That's a more accurate portrail of Scientology right? Still need to see that one, you know to get the facts straight.

IT'S EDUCATIONAL TIMES TWO!!!!!


You could go two ways with this.

1. Yet another reason to blame George Lucas for the decay of western civilization.

or

2. The best idea anybody's had since stem cell research.....Oops,My bad cells are people to.
Yeah, so there's nothing good about it really.



What do the films Brokeback Mountain and Minotaur have in common......at least two things!

1. They all hang around places with lots of sheep. No I don't know why. BUT, if being in the business of having lots of sheep is what they need, then business is GOOD!

2. Both are stories about love in a tough situation. Whether it's love amongst two Cowboys on a Mountain with an Ironic title or love of a half bull-half man and a woman to carry his seed. Until it needs to be cut out of her and she dies. Other than that it's pretty much the same.

And that brings us to Crash, which there's no doubt, alot of people had a hard time figuring out what this one was about. Here's two key things to take from this film.

1. People of all races hate eachother, why? Cause, people are jealous of other races skin pigmentation, some tan better than others. Mystery solved, what's next.......right....

2. Tony Danza finally plays a character whose name is not Tony. His name is Fred and no for those of you who haven't seen it that's not a spoiler, his name isn't said in the film. I IMDB'd his ass to find out!

Hope you got something from this, I know this guy did.

"Any Way You Want It"

DEAD OR ALIVE YOUR COMING WITH ME


This is what happens when you screw with robot cops!


Monday, Monday, Monday. It's the first day in a long journey to the next weekend, where I look forward to arm wrestling competitions and trips to the Pottery Barn. After I've served my time at work and come home to a fine Gordon's Fishermen fish sticks and instant potatoes with fruit cup dinner, it's time to numb what's left of my memory with tv.

Granted that last paragraph was totally unnecessary but your here reading it so your now on team lame ass with the rest of us, welcome aboard. Any who, Monday is 24 night, by no means is this a good show but, it's a good time passer. More or less the enjoyment from this dramadey comes from Kiefer Sutherlands ability to kill or torture people with a flip of a switch. What makes this so special now is they've got Peter Weller and C. Thomas Howl in the mix! Here's the set up for one of the funniest scene's I've seen on tv in a long time:

Kieffer (pointing gun at Robocop):Tell me where the nerve gas is.

Robocop: No.

Kieffer (points gun at Robocop's wife's leg and shoots, all kinds of sceaming): I shot her above the kneecap tell me what I need to know or I'll put her in a wheel chair!

Robocop (looks at wife): Nope, not gonna do it.

Kieffer (more or less says): Shit!

Robocop is the ultimate stonewaller! Seriously, I could care less what happens with the nerve gas. I want to see how Robocop explains this one in divorce court. "I'm just not gonna give it up for a flesh wound and wheel chairs are pretty sweet!" Now if they can get Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howl in a room together with nerve gas.......Nirvana, man just Nirvana!

ABOUT LASTNIGHT'S BBQThese right here were savin' up for desert, we was full up on the main course already.
Cletus likes his man flesh raw, where bobbie joe an me like it seared real good!
Oops, desert got away and the BBQ pit's all flamin' hot and everything......SHOOOOOT!!!!


So by now your aware there's a remake of the Hills Have Eyes opening wide this weekend, and I was privliged to catch a sneak peak of it lastnight. Due impart to COMICS ARCHIVES LOCATED IN REFORD MICHIGAN AT PLYMOUTH ROAD AND BEACH DAILY, One of metro Detroits finest retailers of comics, graphic novels sports cards and collectables.

No I have not seen the original and no I had not seen the director's previous film, Haute Tension. Although I'm well aware of what there about as a friend pointed out about Haute Tension "I've never seen a movie that's ending makes me hate everything that I liked that came before it!" I must admit the trailers for this remake gave the impression that it'd be creepy as fuck and that was something I was looking forward to. Well instead of creepy it was just plan old brutal visuals and not much else. The opening of the pic was promising, as much as the Dawn of the Dead remake, which was an excellent example of fine horror cinema. But alas what you get fromt the opening is what you get for the rest of the film. Sure the mutants were ugly and you weren't sure who was going to bite it next but, it's nothing more than a series of whose getting the pick axe to the forehead next. Of course, mixed in messages of America sucks, bombs are bad and people are jerks. Although the use of an American flag as a weapon was a nice touch. Seeing old glory sticking out of a mutant's neck was a fine piece of symbolism. Overall though it was ok for seeing it for free and that's how I recommend you seeing it.

On a side note, I'd think it be more interesting if they'd use the mutants from this film for X-Men 3. I'd also get the dude who played Sloth from the goonies to play the Proffesor X part.
Sounds mighty fine don't it?

Who needs tits when you have Yanni?

Barry Bonds did steroids. Kirby Puckett died last night. MLB trifecta now in play.

Yanni beats up his girlfriend just to prove that he’s a bad muthafucker. 50 cent is probably shaking in his bulletproof boots.

I’m trying to wrap my head around this. Pearl Jam HAVEN’T been broken up since the late 90’s when people last cared about them, and are now releasing yet another "Who" like album? Well, at least now you have something to give to that person you secretly hate but happen to be friends of your friends. (And if you really hate them and are independently wealthy, you can get tickets for them as they tour for the new album.)

Here’s an X3 trailer for you to chew on. Halle Berry still can’t find that English accent she had in the first movie.

Because you love Gina Gershon's tits.

Also, Eddie Van Halen needs some help.

Oh well. Here’s your pic biscuit of the day, enjoy!


One Thing I Know For a Fact:

put on a mask and dance for daddy...

Natalie Portman makes me want to watch Saturday Night Live again.


Best. Rap. Ever.

With 4x Updated link(3-9-06). Fuck NBC.

Just like a pill, a Truthiness pill

I know, I haven’t banged the Colbert Report gong in awhile, and you probably appreciated that. Stephen Colbert is a great man, and I provide you proof of greatness. He gets it. And by “it” I mean probably a pretty sweet dressing room.

Strangely addictive game.

P!nk has something to say. And no, its not “I’m a dude”. I kind of actually almost respect her a little bit now (did I just throw up a little in my mouth? Mmm. Tasty vomit.)

Apparently if you click on the link we have listed for Lindsay Lohen’s nipples the image no longer comes up with a picture of said nipples (they’re pink, and right where you’d expect them to be) because her lawyer asked for them to be removed. But the story about her "doing drugs and being all around classy"? still there. Lawyers, not so much concerned about the health of their client, or their image of their health, but threats and lawsuits if part of her body that every normal human being has been exposed, too much! Cease and desist. Damn you puritan America. That's probably the same reason Natalie Portman's full frontal scene in "Closer" was cut out by Mike Nichols (who I will NEVER forgive).

The Hamtramck Blow Out is happening here in Detroit. 200 Music acts, 1 weekend. So, if you’re in the area, there’s at least a 60% chance of catching a really good band.

Battlestar Galactica has been AMAZING this season. Part 1 of the season finale aired last night. If you haven’t checked the show out yet, rent it, buy it, download it from iTunes. Whatever. Whatever it takes.

If you don’t want to watch just because I say so know this, this is what the bad guys look like:

One Thing I Know For A Fact:

On this day in 1975 Charlie Chaplin was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II.

Learn more about the lil' tramp here.

Bonta Bonta Solo....
See this is why something like Star Wars is bad, or pop culture in general. People go into a theater for two hours and the next thing you know there in the sand making a jabba the hut statue that will be used for bukaki. In a public domain with children around no less. There should be a mandate that this kind of thing should be done on some nudy beach in Europe where that kind of thing is accepted and smiled upon at all times. The Jesus people got it right, this country's going down the toilet and there's not a big enough plunger to get us out.

Just a quick post today:

1. Lindsay Lohan's tits are back, with nipple goodness. Too bad I've lost all respect for her. Scarlett Johansson is ten times hotter.

2. Radiohead are closer to releasing a new album. In an attempt to get an early jump on adding in depth meaning to Thom York's incoherent mumblings, I suggest the following:
Although still a great album, (insert new album's name here) is not nearly as good as Kid A. This album deals with the stark, lonely, emotionally distant world York finds himself in. It's practically a statement about himself and the universe as a whole. It's all encompassing and personal as well. Also, the guitar player jerks off all over track 5.
(okay, fine, i made it all up. you might as well just cut and paste that when you do the reviews anyhow. Jackass.)

3. Spin magazine has been sold for a 6 of Coors and some Slim Jims.

Allrighty, thank you drive through.

One Thing I Know For a Fact:
Pope John Paul Deuce is still dead, for those of you keeping track.

32 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS AKA MAN GOD!

1. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

3. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

4. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

5. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

6. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

7. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

8. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

9. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

11. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

12. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

13. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

14. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

15. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

16. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

17. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

18. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

19. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

20. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

21. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

22. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks, and
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

23. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the mighty Chuck giveth, and the awsome Chuck, he taketh away.

24. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

25. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

26. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

27. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

28. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

29. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a highschool football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

31. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

32. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

For more Information about Chuck Norris please visit the Chuck Norris Fact Center.