Wax Ecstatic

It’s that time of year again, folks. The time where you required by a billion dollar industry to pretend to actually love the one you’re with. Some people inevitably get left out in the cold and the only gift they get is a small box of candy from the HR department, and for them there is a special treat. And they can eat those while watching this testament to heterosexuality.

For the rest of us, we gotta figure out how to play this thing out without looking like chumps. So, here now is the Kung-Fu guaranteed movie guide to an awesome Valentines Day. (keep in mind this will probably work with or without a partner, so the whole world can enjoy. BUT if you are in a relationship, follow the guide CLOSELY or else you might get left out in the cold.)

1st Valentines together:
Okay, this is really special event so don’t blow it. Be elaborate, and take some time to set this one up. First you need to re-arrange the viewing area so the sofa or love seat provides a clear view of the screen. Then clean. Everything needs to be cleaned. Windows, floors, vacuum furniture, dust, everything (including the bathroom). Have several new candles set up on strategic side and coffee tables, and also a bouquet of flowers can’t hurt. Also, dress nice. Make this whole thing a big deal. Have wine and chocolate on hand. Then invite your date over for the movie (skip the dinner because that’s too much drama and they might be tired or aggravated by movie time).

MOVIE SELECTION: Edward Scissorhands
Everyone loves Johnny Depp. (also, Benny and Joon and Pirates of the Caribbean are quality choices)

2nd Valentines together:
Alright, now you’re in a groove. You guys kind of know each other, you don’t have to go all out, but you still want to kind of surprise your partner. So, go less all out, still have the candles and the wine. Clean the viewing area, but worry less about the bathroom and windows. Surprise them by having the option of chocolate or popcorn, or caramel corn. Or do all three.

MOVIE SELECTION: Bride of Re-Animator
Nothing says go time like re-animating corpses. Plus they might think you’re thinking big commitment because it might be about marriage.

3rd Valentines together:
Candles, popcorn and wine (always the wine). Mood matters a lot less now.

MOVIE SELECTION: The Omega Man
Charleton Heston, zombies and spears. Sounds like love to me.

4th Valentines together:
Pants off, popcorn, wine.

MOVIE SELECTION: The Shining
That’s love. That’s commitment. By your fourth Valentines Day together you should both understand that.

5th Valentines together:
Pop the damn movie in already.

MOVIE SELECTION: The Butt Boss
After that it should be all self explanatory.

Well, you should be able to figure it out from there. If you have some suggestions for alternate movie selections, feel free to comment.

Happy Valentines Day! Don’t get herpes!!